Ah yes, Spring Weekend, the glorious two days when students set ablaze assorted paraphernalia throughout campus and X Lot breeds orgies and mono… Or so it used to before administration cracked down harder than a police raid on Hunting Lodge on Halloween. To prepare yourselves not to get your hopes up, here are five predictions of this year’s shitty ass Spring Weekend.
5.) It’ll get busted before it begins:
Have off campus friends? Go visit them and leave this rinky dink moo-moo land before you end up staring at the unused wristband shimmering in your dorm’s fluorescent light all weekend. Sike! As if you have any friends. You’ll try to go to an off-campus party that gets shut down halfway into your Uber ride, come back to your room, put on some Bon Iver and let the depression wash over. If you’re lucky, maybe a rerun episode of Jeopardy will be on TV. Jeopardy fucks.
4.) Your visiting friends will be let down:
Wait, you invited friends? You fucking moron. Unless you guys plan on eating out every meal, they’re just going to die from starvation since not even UConn students can swipe into dining halls without being patted down. Spare everyone the misery of a Spring Weekend lockdown and send them home early. They’re your friends, why would you willingly bring them to this?
3.) Everything will shut down by 9:
Hanging out with friends in another dorm past 9 p.m.? Try again plebs. Unless you get permission from RAs or the cops, it’s not gonna happen. But you’ll do it anyways. Worst case scenario, random room checks will buzz through and your friend will have to hide in the closet or jump out of the window. Depending how their academic year is going, either way they should choose window.
2.) Someone will protest something dumb:
Angry? Protests are common and completely within the rights of UConn free speech, as we know, and what better time to have a sit in at Susan’s office than a weekend you’ll be sitting around anyway? You can wonder, aren’t there assholes somewhere else she wants to fuck over? Nope. You’re under her roof, living by her rules. Protest sucked, now just collectively flip off the building and trudge along to Ted’s like the well-trained Husky you are.
1.) The sweet release will come when it’s over:
Finally, it’s Sunday, the last night of Penitentiary Weekend. Your account is drained, and your fingers have carpal tunnel from left swiping Tinder because let’s face it, what else are you gonna do. The sun fades from view and you relax with a glass of sparkling cider as Jeopardy comes on. Hah. Wouldn’t that be a soft way to end Spring Weekend? What you’re really going to do is get the fuck out, knock on all the doors, and lead the revolution straight to X Lot to reclaim the best fucking weekend at UConn. Don’t be a pussy, be George Washington crossing the Delaware, or in this case Fairfield Way.
It’s Spring Weekend and there will be rules, so fuck up those rules like the shifty motherfuckers we know you all to be. When that fails, feel free to check back to this article for a chuckle when you inevitably get caught and are stuck in the police station for public indecency during SUBOG’s “surprise” movie on the lawn. Come on SUBOG, give us a break.
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