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5 Things to Finally Say to Your Hot TA Since You’ll Never See Them Again

UConn has 32k students. You can’t say goodbye to all of them and quite frankly it’s not worth your time. The only goodbye that matters is the memorable one you give to your hot TA. Whether their looks made you fall in love, or their grading system was too hurtful to forgive, we bid them farewell. Here’s how:

5.) “I took a ruler in the shower with me yesterday. The derivative of my penis size is 0”:
Hit up your math TAs with this little number and they’ll be left wondering what the rate of change of your dick is rather than today’s math problem. But leave a little mystery in the air, lord knows the truth won’t get you anywhere.

4.) “I hate you like Guy Fieri hates winter hats that turn his porcupine hair into a greasy wombat”:
Their early morning rants on the beauty of the definitive nature of statistical analysis and the ability to sum up a world’s worth of data into a singular number have left you debilitated. Their snaggle tooth makes you wish you were watching Nanny McPhee instead of marinating in your ass sweat in MSB. Scratch that, you wish they were marinating in your ass sweat. 

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3.) “Your gaze turns my heart to minced meat and tenderizes my loins”:
UConn TA’s come with a guaranteed level of out-of-your-league intellect. They walk around in Saver’s blazers with corduroy patches on the elbows, giving life a try with a handlebar mustache. They stutter a little when the jocks stare at them for too long, and your graded papers smell like Bud Light. They’re not perfect, but that’s what made you fall deep in love with the 23 year-old who tells you what to do in the classroom, hoping that it extends to the bedroom. This line could work on your agriculture TA, just make sure to specify that you’re not talking about the dairy cows.

2.) “It’s ‘your’ and not ‘you’re’”:
Week 5, chapter 3. Hot TA wrote on the smart-board with a sharpie, which at first was a little sweet; a millennial with minimal understanding of the technology around him. But then…what is this? Oh, you shovel faced freak. You’re in grad school but think “you’re Bible” is grammatically correct? Borderline blasphemous. I expected more from this World Religions course.

1.) “I live in North, but I am interested in moving into your southern region”:
North is barely big enough for two. South has room for four, where’s the debate? If you really plan on making this your final words to hot TA, make sure one of your frat brothers is in the corner taping for UConn Barstool. They could use the actual comedy.

We all regret those missed opportunities of wishing we talked to that hot person we know we’d never see again. Don’t let that be you; make your move and hot TA will be yours. Until the end of next week.

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