This week on campus you may catch yourself being gawked at by a gaggle of high school students like you’re some kind of zoo animal. The Black Sheep has come up with several things to scream at them and their over exuberant tour guides as you sprint your way from X lot to Laurel Hall in under 60 seconds.
5) “Parties Get Shut Down!”:
Just give them the cold hard truth. The new mandate passed by the uptight residents of Mansfield expects us to get together for a nice game of Uno on a Saturday night rather than go hard at Nickel. Yeah right. If they still want to come to UConn knowing that Carriage won’t reach its full potential, then they’re probably the academic type and will fit in just fine here.
4) “Do You Really Need to take a Picture of That?”:
“Yeah it’s a tree with fucking leaves falling off of it. You know what else is falling? My GPA.” You’re running on a caffeine induced binge, and your group mates can’t decide on a time they can meet up with that one person who actually showed up to BIO 1107 this semester. The tour group is lucky you’re taking it easy on them. Normal students who block the pathway into the Union for your 10 min nap in the commuter lounge get shoved.
3) Blow a Vape Cloud in their Faces:
Let those high schoolers know that we Huskies keep it real. We vape and we’re proud. These frosh gotta know that we rip the fattest vapes in CT and blow sick clouds all over Storrs. As you walk by the group, they will think you are the coolest person: and it’s probably true. Nothing says “hey, look at how cool I actually am” more than blowing some vape smoke in densely populated public areas.
2) “You’re No Different than Anyone Else!”
This will surely conflict the mind of a fragile high schooler. At a campus of 30,000 students, their super special UConn sweatshirt they sported proudly in high school is one of thousands being worn by incoming freshman. Be sure to let them know that their $5 lanyard isn’t fooling anyone, and that their fate as a socially outcast freshman is inevitable.
1) “I Wish I Went to Eastern!”
A simple lie but they won’t know what to make of it. Only when they finally end up here will they realize that they were owned by Huskies before they even sent their $150 admission fee in.
By yelling at tour groups in public you are sure to be avoided by the group leaders and will be able to make it to your 9 a.m. on time. Godspeed, Huskies.
No, you can’t use shacking to justify being “technically homeless.”