All your friends are lucky enough to escape next week for international cocaine overdoses and a Sex on the Beach while having sex on a beach, but forgot to invite you. You want to be a part of the Instagram caption fest of #springbreakers and cultural lingo adapted after one day in Europe, and we’re here to help you make that happen all from the discomfort of Storrs.
6.) Gelato in the rolling hills of Italy:
What could be better than strolling through the Alps with Fabio for a tour guide and a gelato that will never melt, because it’s paradise? Nothing, but you’re in Storrs so you’re settling for Horsebarn yet again and Dairy Bar. Your best bet is to get this Senior Scoop, seeing as there’s been no publicity for it and won’t be recognized.
5.) The South:
This wouldn’t seem like much of a surprise, since so many of you native New Englanders say “y’all” too much and weird the rest of us out. Just be sure to angle it right so it isn’t recognizable, because any and all Huskies know their Horsebarn Hill like the back of their juul.
4.) The beach:
There’s not much to live up to when it comes to Connecticut beaches, so you’re better off not wasting a trip when you could just role play with some props down by Mansfield Hollow. It’s true Mirror Lake is right here but fuck, that thing is the only landmark around and we’re tired of using it for all our articles.
Tan shman, what good will a little crisping do in the middle of March? Well, we know you’d kill for a tan but after spending all that money on a UCONNIC ticket that may or may not be worth it… Anyways, kill your comeback to campus with the touch of a French accent and saying “brindille” a lot. It’s french for “twig” but no one has to know that and it sounds pretty.
2.) An old WWII fort:
Instead of flaunting your spring bod in a group beach photo, flaunt your historian thirst for knowledge. You’re obviously at an old war site because every single one has this flimsy rock wall that wouldn’t protect anything. They’re rustic, Instagram friendly, and available next to East. Just make sure you don’t include that gelato, realistically that wouldn’t last the 15-hour flight back to the U.S and you’re all about honesty.
1.) Psych! You had friends all along:
Jokes on everyone else, because when they were leaving you behind and blowing air kiss grenades at your sorry ass, you had a whole lineup of friends waiting right here. You don’t need them, and this is what the picture would look like like if they were in it anyway.
If you’re stuck at home for spring break, don’t let Storrs get you down. Everything you post on Instagram is bullshit anyway. No one is that happy spending cover for yet another 21st birthday.
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