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6 Things I’d Rather Put in My Mouth than the New Paper Straws

No one saw it coming. It was an average morning in Storrs; everyone was counting on their morning coffee to carry them through another day of wanting to give up. Approaching the coffee stations we expected to reach for another average run of the mill plastic straw but no. What we came to find was a small, eco friendly piece of shit that would forever ruin the one good thing going for us: iced coffee. I am a victim of the paper straw epidemic; hear my plea.

6.) Kevin Ollie’s unemployed ass:
He may have coached the shittiest run in UConn men’s BBall history, meaning he should deserve a sympathy ass eating. He may not be at the top of your People Whose Ass I’d Wear for a Hat list, but when it comes to choosing between that or this straw, your face will be one-on-one with that ass faster than an iced coffee will shrivel that straw into brown mush. Two beautiful mental images, amirite?

5.) A Jonathan turd:
Any one of you would be lucky enough to suck on one of Jonathan’s steamy good ones, don’t pretend it wouldn’t be special. Would you rather have a mouthful of something not so shitty? Of course, but you’re better off throwing it in a blender with some kale and berries than sucking down soggy bits of organic straw paper.

4.) The dying cactus succulent in your windowsill:
You might’ve wondered what it feels like to lick one of those spikes, but always talked yourself out of it because you bought that plant to teach yourself the responsibilities of how to nurture. But you were a different person back then. You didn’t know what true suffering was. After spending one day with this straw from hell you will gladly shove that porcupine plant into your mouth.

3.) The free tampons supplied by SUBOG:
The students of UConn won a revolutionary movement of finally being provided free tampons in like… one or two bathrooms. But good things don’t come to those who wait, once again proven by the sandpaper consistency of these tampons. Why would you put one in your mouth if you wouldn’t put it near your penis flytrap? You wouldn’t, but for the purpose of bitching about how awful these straws are just play along.

2.) Huskies’ floor after Nickel:
Catch me licking up the spilt drinks and melted ice after 9:45 this Thursday because I’d rather catch whatever diseases y’all are spreading in that club than put my mouth on one more soggy ass straw. People may think it’s distasteful behavior, but they’ll be sorry when you start charging people for all the collected plastic Nickel straws taken off the floor. This is a meritocracy folks, you wanna thrive you gotta connive.

1.) The mysterious double sided black dildo:
Oh, the pussies it must’ve seen. The mysterious dildo of UConn slithered its way into our lives in 2015 and has yet to be discovered why. It’s brought nothing but joy and laughter to the children, but only from a safe distance. No one could offer you enough points to touch that con-cock-tion until today. Now you’re demanding Odds out of two between sucking on that over taking one sip from a paper straw. 

Unless you’ve experienced the horror of slipping this new straw into your drink and thinking your day is going to be fine, you can’t understand.

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