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6 Things UConn Will (Hopefully) Leave in 2017

Welcome back, Huskies! Is your New Year’s resolution to Nickel less and study more? Let’s discuss how that’s going next Thursday. A new year always means the never-ending “new year, new me!” posts, by people who never actually end up changing. UConn’s never one to ignore a cliché, so we decided to make a list of 6 things we should strive to leave behind in 2017.

6.)  Town ordinance against fun:
We’re not directly responsible, but this needs to be dead and buried ASAP. We’ve all heard about these rules regarding parties and the number of guests allowed on one’s property, but the basic ridiculousness of these laws is outstanding. According to Mansfield Town Law during the day, noise levels on your property should not exceed 55 decibels, and during the night noise levels should not exceed 45 dB. But get this; normal conversation comes into the scale at 60 dB. So basically you’re breaking the noise ordinance by having a conversation… do with that as you will.

5.) White supremacists on campus:
Honestly, still in shock that some half-educated members of the student body and their club advisors ever believed this was the way to go, but here we are. It goes without saying that it’s 2018 and we as a whole should have at least basic respect for other human beings and not be assholes, kapeesh? If TBS thinks you’re an asshole, you gotta know you fucked up.

4.) Blended burgers:
When will we abandon our seemingly impossible mission of getting this forsaken university to dump the garbage they call blended burgers? We deserve pure beef patties, hold the shrooms! The failure of this school to regress back to good ole days of beef burgers is rude, inconsiderate and we’re ready for that to be a thing of the past. Just trying to speak it into existence.

3.) Juuling:
Can’t believe this verb had to be added to our dictionary because of all you nicotine addicts. Remember back in the day when everyone made fun of that kid who carried his vape around everywhere? It’s time to go back to that and cut this shit. No one cares how badly you want to be featured on Barstool for your ~kewl~ Juuling methods. Let’s roll with this new trend of ridding the world, and UConn student body, of Juuls in 2018.

2.) Being bad at football:
We know that tailgate szn is hands down some of the best fun that this university has to offer. But because our football team can’t seem to win enough games to keep us remotely close to a longer season, it comes to an end too soon to truly satisfy anyone. We’re not well versed with how scheduling games works, but with a longer season a few more games would be played at the Rent, aka we’d tailgate more, right?

1.) West Campus:
You know how the Vatican City is like a little city within a bigger city? West should become like that, just more shunned and less visited. Somehow every Storrs crackhead ends up housed in this portion of campus, with the other West Residents who just got very, very unlucky. This is an official motion to shun West Campus from further tarnishing the rep that Next Gen worked so hard to overcome.

None of this is really too much to ask for, except maybe disowning West Campus, but we can make it work. As we grow (into bigger alcoholics) and better ourselves (at procrastinating excessively) in 2018, we should work to help the school that helps us accomplish these things also become a better version of itself.

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