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6 Ways to Stay at UConn FOREVER

Life at UConn can be pretty dope if you do it right. So when that email pops up in Gmail for pre-graduation it makes sense why so many people fall into a deep depression and spend the next three nights at Nickel. Adulting isn’t for everyone, so for those of you who aim to stay lit at the coldest place in CT for as long as possible, follow these guidelines:

6.) Take a Victory Lap:
Graduation around the corner? No job lined up? No problem. All you have do is fail a quick W class you need to graduate by writing a final paper on how Geno Auriemma is more badass than Dwyane The Rock Johnson, “cuz Geno’s wins are larger than The Rock’s biceps can ever be.” Or you can always pull the classic major switch halfway through junior year, because even though bio will get you a job, we have the best puppetry program in the country.

5.) Tailgate Season = Post Grad Denial:
What better way to continue your Husky legacy than coming back to campus to tailgate in the fall? Grab your bean bag toss, and plenty of booze to give out to the people who will make you feel younger and less bad about your alcoholism/unemployment/hurtling towards 30. If you can get everyone on a Purple line back home before they realize you rolled up in your mom’s minivan, then you’re in the clear.

4.) Go to Grad School:
You have 120 thousand dollars in student loans for several degrees you don’t care about, but it you never graduate, you won’t have to pay them. TAs are pretty chill, and they blend right in with the rest of us. You just have to buddy up to your NRE TA named Mike and talk everyday about how you want to “improve the rooftop gardens around campus.” You’ll have a foot-in (aka recommendation for grad school), for sure.

3.) Keep Going to Ted’s:
It’s amazing how easy it is to separate your bar self from your academic self. In fact, you’ve probably slept in X-lot outside Ted’s in order to get to your 8am in the Physics building the next day. All that changes after you graduate is that you don’t have to go to class and can sleep in your car until the parking guy piles so many orange envelopes on your windshield that you can’t see.

2.) Write Some Good Shit:
Whether it’s getting published in LRR or winning an Aetna Translation Prize, CLAS is always bringing alum back to do readings. Maybe only a handful of kids show up, but your goal isn’t campus fame, it’s getting free drinks on the tab of whatever department you convinced to let you come back. This is for the students who have a bit more dignity, so if you don’t give a shit about your reputation, then ignore this. 

1.) Ignore Your Academic Advisor:
At the end of the day, you’re just one of 32,000 walking wallets. It’s a sad thought, but for those of you who aim to spend your twenties here, it’s perfect because you can fly under the radar and no one will ever bother you. All you have to do is convince your parents to keep paying tuition, and you’re good as gold. Every time your advisor sends an email, delete it; in fact, go right ahead and direct it to the spam folder because you already have a cart full of puppetry classes and DGAF. 

They say “students today, Huskies for as long as you keep spending money on UConn stuff,” so after college, practice what you preach and stay here as long as you can.


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