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The 7 Most F***ed Up Things Ever to Happen at UConn

We all know the world can be a fucked up place sometimes and even our beloved school can make mistakes. Das Yukon is a great place to be but we did some thinking and discovered the top 7 most fucked up things to ever take place on this campus. Make sure you’re not one of them.

7.) Carriage House agreement of ’16:
The cops have always been trying to cock-block the fun at Carriage, but for a while everything was great and we were free to blast A$AP Ferg’s latest hits and drunkenly explain to the world that “trapping means hustling,” but not anymore. Last semester, the feds have teamed up with “families” that “live” in the surrounding area to put an end to the fun by enforcing bullshit rules like don’t underage drink and pass out in the lawn. College is all about red cup on the lawn shit, DON’T LET YOU DREAMS BE DREAMS.

6.) Dorm Room Drug Fest:
In 2014, the cops busted a 22-year old student for having $30,000 worth of drugs in his dorm room ranging from mushrooms to heroin and was said to be “operating a drug factory.” To be honest, it’s a good thing that the cops carted this low life away cause heroin and hard drugs is not the move. A little pot, shroomys, and some booger sugar is one thing, but damn, let’s bring back D.A.R.E because it obviously didn’t work. At all. Like 0% effective.

5.) Calling the Rape Trail the Rape Trail:
Following the applause to Cal Shapiro’s rap on the infamous trail in 2013, efforts have been made to change what has been remarked as the worst campus landmark name in all the country. Luckily, we just came up with a new nickname; the “Rainbow Trial,” where everything is great and there are no problems at all in the world. Feel free to walk along the Rainbow Trail and contemplate how you WILL get a job and a place to stay after graduation, and you will not end up living in your parent’s basement making a living off of selling Avon makeup on your social media account.

4.) Mac & Cheese Kid:
Who can forget that fateful night in October, when Luke Gatti put UConn on the map for something besides basketball? Not only will ordering Mac & Cheese in the U never quite be the same, but this kid made UConn’s overwhelming alcoholism a public scandal. Gone are the days of bragging to grandma about UConn’s national athletic acclaim, and in are the phone calls from mom asking if you’re spending Husky bucks on drunken food at D.P. Dough.

3.) When SAE Got Banned for Sizzling Like Bacon on the Floor:
First of all (Trump voice) “who the hell cares, we have bigger things going on, much bigger, yuge things happening” where we shouldn’t be worrying about sorority girls who roll around on the floor and get drunk. This one sister obviously couldn’t hang and ratted them out for making her drink, pro tip: if you don’t like having fun and getting drunk, don’t go Greek. Also the pledging that goes on for sororities stays secret for one reason only: because they all do weird shit like pretending they’re bacon on the floor all night.

2.) When Spring Weekend Became Fun & Safe Weekend for Kewl UConn Kidz:
Spring Weekend is a fun time on campus with a lot to do, but hiring the National Guard to come in and watch over us like lab rats takes some of the fun out of it. Hide your bottom shelf rum and North Face backpack, since it will surely be confiscated during this time. Susan Herbst’s wrath is in full force, which makes accidentally having fun next to impossible.

1.) Changing the Husky Logo in 2013:
Our current logo is perfect for upholding our prolific sports reputation as badass basketball players, but the original Husky logo of 1959 really captured the true emotions of being a UConn student. The pleading look on the Husky’s face is saying “I know I’m fucked up on a Tuesday mate but please pour me another round so I don’t have to study for my 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.” Instead, in 2013 we got saddled with the logo that was said to embody rape culture on campus, according to a fellow student’s open letter to President Herbst. This was a tough break for the new Husky, and many of us now finding ourselves bidding on vintage Husky gear on Buy & Sell to avoid such negative associations.

Honorable Mentions: The Mansfield Arsonists, That Time Things Were Very Tense on Campus Because of the Fucking Rock, That Time Someone Found a HUGE DILDO on Campus

Overall, UConn seems to be a pretty cool place to be. Sure, it may have its upsets like becoming a prison on spring weekend or not allowing us to break federal laws but in a way the school is like all of us; a little fucked up on the inside but all in all still pretty decent.

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