Last year you said this wouldn’t happen, but here you are wondering whether or not you’ll pass that one class. Walking into your professor’s office hours is a sure sign that you went too hard all those Thursday nights at Ted’s. Unlike you, we prepared for times like this and came up with a few things you can say to win over your professor to make sure you still graduate on time.
8.) I went to your reading in Storrs Center, and it was just so inspiring:
Most of us route those department chain emails directly to spam, but keep on the lookout for special events held at the UConn Bookstore in Storrs Center. If your professor happens to be the featured speaker, showing up and asking a question will guarantee you at least a hard C.
7.) Sorry I’m late to class, but you know how the Dunkin line in the Union can be:
They don’t know because they don’t have time for our peasantry line-waiting. We’re pretty sure that the line is so long because UConn faculty have a secret Dunkin Donuts back there. Hopefully they’ll take pity on you while secretly reveling in their academic privilege.
6.) You were so great in that TedxUConn event I saw at the Jorgensen:
Every professor here works hard to excel in their field so mistaking them for being on UConn’s version of a Ted talk can really make their day. It offers the reassurance they need to get through teaching a lecture hall in Oak Hall where half the class is on Facebook and the other half is off smoking weed in their dorm room.
5.) You could honestly be the Robin Williams of Western History:
Use this line on professors that you know are over the age of 40, because it’s these ones that will be green with envy that an English professor here got a movie made about them in the 80’s (“Dead Poet’s Society,” obvi.). You could always stand on your desk and really drive the point home.
4.) Could you possibly tell me a bit more about _insert stupidly-specific research here_:
UConn is one of the top-rated schools for “research” in the country. In order to maintain that label, just about every professor here will have some side project in addition to teaching. Do yourself a favor and Google their name and you’ll probably find something in the vein of obscure wetland plant habitats. Mention the subject on a paper or test and you may even bribe them into giving you an A.
3.) I’d really love to feature you on my campus podcast / WHUS segment!:
This seems to be a growing trend, starting in the English Department. Professors really love talking about their academic achievements on “new media platforms,” and there’s a group of tech-savvy Huskies out there taking full advantage of that.
2) Can we have class at Huskies?:
Chances are that UConn professors need a drink as much as us students. Having class at a bar can at least take their mind off the shitty cold weather. Before making this move, do your best to pry into their private lives and find out if they actually like to drink. However, most professors who do drink make such a point to mention it in class to seem hip that it won’t take much effort on your part.
1) I really miss the Co-Op!:
This is sure to hit a chord with every academic on campus. Since Barnes & Noble took over the Co-Op last year, professors can no longer brag about working for one of the only universities in the area with an independent bookstore. In addition, Barnes & Noble makes it much harder for them to get in their self-published textbooks they wrote in the 70s.
When all else fails, just bribe them with Beavers. This shows your professor that you are at your lowest point and that it can only go up from here. Good luck, Huskies!
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