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Campus Bookstore Renovations Aim to Create ‘Social Hub’ by Replacing Books with Piles of Keystone

STORRS: The biggest change students will encounter upon coming back to campus this fall is the UConn Campus Bookstore, which is currently undergoing major construction. “People ain’t buyin’ books no more,” says Lucy Olster, general manager of the UConn Bookstore. “So we thought we gotta keep people spending money so’s we just dumpin’ a bunch of fuckin’ Keystones in the middle.” 

Yes, many UConn students opted to not outright buy books in the last couple years, choosing instead to “buy them online,” which roughly translates to “not buy them at all and scramble to find a pirated copy online right before the final.” Thus, the plan to keep the UConn Bookstore profitable is a noble pursuit, although the means to do it might seem a little misguided.

“We thought, fuckin’ college kids like gettin’ fuckin’ drunk ‘n shit ‘n hangin’ out what with their memes and shit so like books don’t get ya drunk, but yano what does? Keystones. Like Keith Stone hahah,” Olster told The Black Sheep. “So yeah we’re just gonna dump a shitload of Keystones where them books used to be and watch the college kids come runnin’.” 

Plans for the construction can be found below:

“People can come in here before the bball games, before class, they can buy shirts and makeup and shit like that… so long as they spendin’ money, Susan’s happy. And if Sus’ is happy, we’re all happy know’msayin’?” Olster quipped, eyeing a pallet of Keystones being lowered into the new facility. 

So look forward to fall semester, Huskies, because it looks like the university is finally getting hip to our generation! 

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