We’ve all been there: a premature incoming freshman thrown into a campus as iconic as that professor’s PornHub email, being told to pump up our fists and go “WOOF” louder than the other orientation groups – because that’s what cool Huskies do. Student orientation leaders give incoming Huskies tips and tricks to know just how to navigate through their new city and what to expect for the next four years. We’re here to fuck all that up. Whether you’re yelling to the lanyard-necked losers from out your car window, or blending into the group as that one old weird guy, here are 5 seductive things to say to creep them out.
5.) “Homer Babbidge will make you hotter than this July heat.”:
It all began with the approach; you were startled yet charmed by your first impression. Little did you know those late Friday night dates would become so irresistible to boast about on Snapchat, ending by locking yourself in the private rooms just because Homer’s got you feeling frisky. Maybe you sneak down to Bookworm’s for a naughty treat that defies your diet, or text your FWB “I’ve got dibs.” Don’t fret: your secret is safe within those walls. What happens in Homer stays in Homer, a temptation no freshman is strong enough to resist.
4.) Barney Stinson’s Playbook presents: “The Husky.”:
Begin walking with the tour group as if you are one of them. You blend in by holding a campus map and ignorantly walking directly over the seal. Your cover is bulletproof. Then when the time feels just right, stop mid-step while the SOL is speaking and get down on all fours – all eyes are on you. Search for the most confused member of the youngsters, look them directly in the eye and say, “Huskies like it doggy style.”
3.) “You haven’t had the best rough fucking of your life until you take CHEM.”:
With a course that’s deemed to result in a D+ at best, every Husky who’s been forced to take CHEM knows they would rather repeatedly stub their big toe against a glass shard while listening to every Kidz Bop soundtrack than spend one more day in lab. While orientation freshman may think they’ve had the best sex of their life with a cracked bedroom door and paper thin walls between their parents room, you can guarantee that naïve kiddo they’re in for the most mind-blowing 50-Shades-of-nope fuck of their life in the science building.
2.) “Did you just jump in Mirror Lake? Because I can see myself all over you.”:
Even without the hold-a-ring walking rope keeping them together in one straight line, you could mistake this group for being a lost excursion from E.O. Smith HS. Maybe it’s the GMO’s in the lunchmeat making eighteen-year-olds look sinisterly youthful, but this cliché pun-tastic pickup line is for those who feel they gotta play it PG; you can’t always be as fearless as you are with Ted’s liquid courage.
1.) “I bet you’ve heard of the Dairy Bar, but that isn’t the only famous cream on campus.”:
Saturday’s are for the boys, and so are Husky freshmeat. Pretty soon you’ll be thrown into the world of tax payments and eating entire Stop & Shop cakes in one night, and the new wave of freshman brings you back to simpler times of your mother making you doctor appointments. This is your final chance to hold onto your youth by using pickup lines from the lowest of the low while you still can, guaranteed to repel even the least experienced Huskies. With a moped scooter by your side, you can buzz away from the rejection in style.
It’s the upperclassman’s responsibility to ensure freshmen feel comfortable. Whether that’s pointing them in the right direction, or scaring them into ever wanting to party with you, the welcoming committee does not discriminate.