It’s always important to stay on top of the most recent fads, especially when you’re a college student in the frontlines of newly set trends. Recently, the biggest trend has been exotic ice cream, and by exotic, we mean mediocre in taste and high in spectacle. Trends are trends though, so we’ve developed our own hip and abstract UConn-specific flavors that should be available at the Dairy Bar. Here are our top five frozen spectacles:
5.) The Frat Boi Frenzy:
Served during rush week, this flavor utilizes a multitude of rich and creamy combinations that serve as a dialogue on the ins and outs of Greek life. We start off with three scoops of creamy Bud Light-infused vanilla bean ice cream inside a large pair of edible salmon-colored khakis from the Gap. Topped with hot fudge and Vineyard Vines whale-shaped sprinkles, this ice cream is best served in a mildewy basement packed full of underage college students destroying their livers.
4.) First Snowstorm Vanilla:
Just as winter will give you Seasonal Affective Disorder, this flavor will give you a hefty helping of Seasonal Affective Deliciousness. We start with a standard scoop of vanilla that looks and tastes delicious, and we continue to stack it up higher and higher until all the anxiety of digging your car out of Snowpocalypse 2015 comes rushing back. Delish!
3.) Midterm Marshmallow Madness:
Midterm Marshmallow consists of three addictive scoops of marshmallow ice cream, Marshmallow topping, and at least six times the recommended dosage of your friends Adderall that he doesn’t really need, but just has in case he wants to sell it to some chumps. Garnished with peanuts laced with the anxiety that you will not be able study all these fucking quizlets in one night.
2.) No-Happiness Hour Split:
Start with 6 or 7 happy hour Coors from Ted’s poured into a giant bucket. Follow this by soaking up several plates of pickle fries from Tavern, and adding a heaping helping of Puds and honey mustard from Wally’s on top. Finish it off by shredding a copy of your last bank statement as sprinkles and throw the bucket in the freezer until you get really desperate and have no food left.
1.) State School Strawberry:
So, it’s really just ice cream. It’s not too good or too bad, but it gets the job done. You order it, you pay for it, and after you eat it you’re left sitting there thinking “Well, I guess that’s exactly what I asked for.” Whipped cream optional.
There you have it, folks. All the tickets to trendy flavortown you will ever need. For more food that may or may not really exist, serve yourself some more helpings of The Black Sheep’s articles, and garnish it with our podcast.