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Gordon Ramsay Takes on Storrs’ Finest Restaurants

The notorious shit-talking chef Gordon Ramsay recently took Twitter by storm by roasting the living hell out of people’s home cooked meals. Assuming he’d never make his way to lil’ ol’ Storrs to judge our favorite fares, we wondered how he’d roast some of Storrs finest. So we sent the boss some tweets to ask what he thinks of the food establishments here at UConn.

On Geno’s Grille: 
I am thoroughly enjoying Geno’s Meatballs braised in his very own tomato sauce. Geno’s balls are particular tender in my mouth which is what I really look for in a man’s meat, its tenderness.

On Geno Himself: 
Yeah that Italian bugger is a damn good coach and I’d like to see more of that passion in his food. For now, it’s okay, but he can really bring more to the table. I really want Geno’s total package. 

On Wings Over:
You take these cramped up chicken and shred them down to pieces then dump them in a fryer and douse them in blue cheese dressing. That’s what you do. And you think it’s good and you eat as many as you can until you feel sick. It’s sickening. You’re so far from actual chicken I don’t even know what you’d call it.

On Restaurant Parking:
I’d probably get a parking ticket for putting my Ferrari in front of Ted’s. I don’t care if it’s an Area 1 spot and tickets cost $35. If you think I’m going to put my baby in that mud pit across the street you call a parking lot you can go shove a d*** in your f*** hole. 

On Storrs Drunk Food:
After a few Beavers all places turn into 5-star quality cuisine. It’s fun to choose your toppings at Blaze Pizza, pick a funny calzone name at DP Dough, or pig out at MOOYAH, but it’s very, very clear that this food was only made for students that are either drunk or high. 

On Wally’s Decor:
It’s like Storrs had the town decorator killed and buried twenty years ago, and now students are in charge. It’s madness. I don’t care how “sweet” the signed dollar bills are hanging up in Wally’s. Nostalgia isn’t what brings the customers in. At least not the respectable ones.

On the Dining Halls:
I’ll lay it out for you right now, kiddo. South is shit, Towers is shit, Whitney you have got to be fucking kidding me: that’s not even food, North is shit, North West is not too bad actually. McMahon is amazing, the onion rings there are bomb as fuck.

On the Finely Tuned Palate of College Kids:
You think cooking is microwaving a Hot Pocket, and a “night” out on the town involves standing in line to get into a place that serves “drinks” in a plastic cup. It’s ridiculous. In fact, you’re lucky I’m still talking to you while I could happily be yelling at my cooks over Facetime right now.

We expected this criticism from the actual God of Cuisine, but never in a million years did we think he’d actually like anything. When Huskies Tavern opens up, maybe we’ll be lucky enough to have the man himself feature it on a new season of Hell’s Kitchen.


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