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You Guys, We Do This Every Year: Jizz Doesn’t Clog Drains

For centuries, university establishments have taken in millions upon millions of students finally on the brink of life, ready to take on the educational world and study their little hearts to tears. And of these millions up on millions, 50% have had to learn the toughest lesson of all: masturbating somewhere new. 

Women can paddle the pink canoe anywhere and anytime they please. It’s not obvious and with years of faking an orgasm, don’t be surprised that it’s not actually that much of an oral celebration, gentlemen.

Now we know UConn men love their porn, but without the usual comfort of Soggy the Semen Sock kept under the mattress, masturbating in a new place can be a very scary endeavor. With roommates and neighbors constantly cuming coming in and out, it’s difficult to find that special you time.

But if there’s anything a man will travel to the ends of the earth for, it’s his dick.

Over the centuries men have had to master the maneuver of secret masturbation in college. Is it in the smartest places? No. Is it still obvious? Sure, but they get it done. Communal showers are the only place with guaranteed privacy; well as much privacy as you can get being 6 inches away from the other guy showering but it’s fine you can pretend he’s not buttering his corn too. Plus you got a little water pressure action up the butt if you so please. 

What we’re trying to say here is that semen has been not-clogging university shower drains for hundreds of years and has never aroused such a problem. Sure it gets a little yano, gummy and weird, but that’s because semen consists of similar proteins to eggs, which is now a fact that is in your brain forever. 

The point is, Next Gen men, you either have monster penises with oceans of semen which, if that’s the case, everyone please give them a round of applause. Or you broke a $7,000 3D printer and wanted us to think the excuse was something cooler, and you immediately thought of your collective dicks. 

Either way, anything, even pasty semen drains, is better than blockages of wet hair globs that happen on the reg on the ladies’ side of things. That’s just fucking disgusting.

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