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How To Dump All Your Personal Problems Onto Your Unwitting Professor During Office Hours

It’s the end of the semester. Adrenaline and cheap liquor are coursing through your veins, your personal life is deteriorating, and finals are on your mind more at 2 a.m. than sending that “u up?” text. To keep you from losing your mind, here’s how to get your professor to listen to your super important problems during those dreaded office hours, because who else will?

5.) The Drake and Josh Method:
Remember when Drake was accused of playing a prank on Mrs.Hayfer by putting her car in her classroom but it was actually Mindy? Roll with that. Disassemble their vehicle and reassemble it in their office with the help of an engineering student. When the professor walks in, honk twice to startle them so that they fall and break a hip. Now they can’t go anywhere and MUST listen to you complain that your mom can’t get group texts right with the family and instead just keeps making new group messages and it’s really really distracting during finals when you have to keep muting your sister’s fucking baby pictures.

4.) Nepotism:
Bring that friend who’s attended every single class, and the professor will be so enamored with speaking to them that you can walk in undetected, wait for them laugh at some intelligent joke, then slip your dumbass issues in like you drop your dad during post-Ted’s pillow talk. Your professor will be in such a happy mood they won’t even have time to get mad that you haven’t attended enough classes to even know what they teach.

Start telling them about how your laptop has 12 viruses from using putlocker too often to watch movies and you have heat stroke from laying out on the lawn, during the class time of course, which is why you missed all the HuskyCT quizzes that make up a third of your grade and need access to the portal to take them all in one shot.

3.) Espionage 101:
Don a balaclava and secure a map of the building layout. Once you’re on the roof, adjust your night vision goggles and find the trap door. Inside is a vent that you will crawl through for two miles before dropping into the main entryway of the building. Here you will find the elevator. Prepare for shifty as fuck department heads to stop you in your tracks and hot TA distractions.

Sprint to their office and hide in their closet overnight. The next morning, hover above their desk Mission Impossible style, drop onto the floor and once they settle in, tell the about the time you really really meant to log on to Moodle but then the stupid wifi was down in the Union before your friend Claire’s dog died and you had to go be with her so she could bury the dog behind Mirror Lake because that’s where he loved to play and anyway that’s why you need a 10 day extension on this paper.

2.) Be #relatable:
If your professor is just barely out of grad school and a virgin in their department amongst tenured professors, you’ve got a shot at finessing those personal probs and appeal to them. Young professors are always eager to get into the good graces of students and want to relate to your depressed self. Drop by their office and be like “Ugh Lil’ Tay got you worried about our socio-economics exam. Explain you had no time to study because your friend just broke up with all of her mans and you’re the only person she could talk to.

This is the crisis of the century which is why you need all the lecture slides since the beginning of the year because how else are you going to comfort your friend if you’ve failed your final?

1.) Bypass the system:
No more office hours this week? Not a problem. Instead, hop into the trunk of their car and take a fun ride to New York, Boston, Manchester, or wherever they’re commuting from. Once you’re in their garage there’s really no escaping you. Lay out your personal problems at the dinner table, and maybe their family will be a little more help than they’ve been.

Explain how it’s been a war zone in your room due to your roommates inability to agree on a temperature setting for the thermostat. You can hardly breathe without one of them accusing the other of criminal offence. After a 15 minute tirade, gauge their reactions before delving into why office hours are useless in the first place.

Now is not the time to fuck around thinking you can waltz down to your professor’s office asking for extra credit. You got more important things on your mind and no one to listen to them. Maybe you two will bond over your problems, who knows. Check yourself before your wreck yourself. It’s finals season hoes.

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