If last week’s Involvement Fair left you with paper cuts on your cheeks from having meaningless flyers shoved in your face, you’ve come to the right place. Chances are all those flyers are in the bottom of a tote bag, or still in your goddamn bookbag, just sitting in wait to papercut the everliving shit out of your fingers. Don’t let that happen and don’t let Mother Nature win by doing one of these tried and true “repurposings” of UConn Involvement Fair flyers.
7.) Make a shrine to clubs not joined:
Remember when you got cornered by that Really Cool Club with Really Cool Opportunities and Really Cool People so you wrote down your email and they gave you a piece of paper saying Really Cool Things? Neither do we. Face it, the cool clubs are the ones you’re in, and if you’re in it, they know better than to shove their dead trees in your face. Still, we must respect all lifestyles, including the dorky, overbearing (at you, Super Smash Bros Melee Club) ones. Honor our ignored brothers with a shrine in their honor, preferably in a dark corner of your poorly-lit East dorm so that you can ignore their flyers just as much as you ignore their emails.
6.) Sell origami for petty cash:
If you’re one of those crafty kids with actual talents other than making bad jokes on the Internet, use those nimble fingers to whip out some cranes. Honestly, what’s more suave than a man who shows his sensitive side through paper crafts? Rake in the ladies with your Pinterest-perfect replications, and rake in the cash when you charge $1 on Buy or Sell to make their “spirit animal.”
5.) Fashion “emergency supplies”:
This one’s practical, Huskies. Now that we’re four weeks into the semester, UConn Building Services is becoming more of a letdown than that mediocre missionary sex you had last week. Use the flyers you have to hock loogies and wipe asses. Nothing strikes more fear into the heart of a man than going to the bathroom only to find out you’re toilet paper-less. With a couple of flyers, you’re all set! Not only can you live with the certainty that your butt is sparklingly clean, you can appreciate that the EcoGarden Club did compost something after all.
4.) Make some kindling:
Storrs’s favorite pastime – besides being the Basketball Capital of the World – is creating a tunnel of wind and rain so furious it might as well be called Hurricane Jonathan. Don’t let yourself freeze to death – gather up some old flyers and convince one of the smoker students to lend you a light. If you’re smart, bring a couple marshmallows, a few friends, and sing Kumbaya around your newfound campfire. If you’re really smart, use the flyers to smoke something other than marshmallows (you know what we mean).
3.) Trick Parking Services:
If Heaven is a place on Earth, that place is as far from UConn Parking Services as possible. Seek revenge on the $30-fine demons that dwell just off Discovery Drive by slapping them across the face with the ultimate revenge: deception. Spackle together whatever orange parts of the flyers you have, slap that bad boy on your windshield, and give a middle finger to the gods just for good measure. They can’t take you down this time – or anytime after, thanks to the Involvement Fair.
2.) Write a ransom note:
Do you need to hold something hostage in order to get through the semester? We get it, we’ve all been there. But don’t half-ass your terrorism: cut out all the letters from the flyers you got and go all old-timey villain on your enemies with a ransom note. iClicker stolen? Posting in Buy or Sell is too mundane – show the thief you mean business by posting your own mutant flyers around campus. Once they come face to face with your serial-killer-esque psychosis they’ll return your precious goods faster than you could enter “AB”.
1.) Create a Susan Herbst effigy out of papier-mâché:
Step 1: Tear flyers into strips.
Step 2: Coat in flour and water.
Step 3: Sculpt the dear face of Mother Susan.
Step 4: Burn.
Sure, the Involvement Fair was a hell-like rubberneck clogging Fairfield Way, wholly unappealing to everyone except the wide-eyed, naive freshman, but every cloud has a silver lining. You might just have to make yours out of paper.
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