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Large Black Double Dildo Causes Mass Hysteria In Storrs

History was made on Thursday, February 5th when arguably the biggest scandal to ever hit the UConn campus occurred on the popular Facebook page, Buy or Sell UConn Tickets.

A massive double-sided dildo was discovered outside the Student Union, its hulking black mass contrasting majestically with the half-assed shoveled, white sidewalks. But there was nothing half-assed about this dildo: if anything, this dildo was meant for double the ass than your typical dildo is made for.  

 

As the discoverer brilliantly utilized a 2-by-3 inch UConn student ID for scale, one can get a realistic picture of just how massive this siamese-twin dong is: spectators say that it took a team of 6 relatively scrawny men to tug-of-war style pull it from its place in a snowbank. Accusations of just who the dildo belonged to began to spread like wildfire, prompting an emergency press conference held by President Susan Herbst.

“The University of Connecticut administration takes the emergence of such a gargantuan dildo on our campus very seriously,” began the president, keeping in stride with her well-known prudence and wisdom for all campus emergencies. Professors, administrators and UConn staff of both essential and nonessential duties were in attendance at the meeting, along with hundreds of clamoring news reporters anxious to get the scoop on what may very well be the hottest story of 2015.

“As you all know, safety is our number one concern here at UConn and the presence of such a colossal dildo threatens our students’ wellbeing, as well as the wellbeing of their orifices,” Herbst continued in her statement, struggling to keep her eyes open amidst the strobe light effect brought on by multiple flashing press cameras.

“What about how the entire campus is coated in ice? I literally just saw a WTNH reporter slip and break her back on the way here,” piped up a journalist for The Wall Street Journal; who upon Herbst’s gesture, was immediately ejected from the building.

Notably missing from this mandatory meeting was men’s basketball coach, Kevin Ollie, his chair suggestively empty next to an outwardly panic stricken Geno Auriemma. Calling in a little help from a few sleazy contacts who owed us favors (Lenehan never paid us as promised for portraying him like this), The Black Sheep was able to obtain the legendarily mustachioed coach’s digits and investigate this matter further – as suspicions began to publicly rise regarding his absence. What followed may shock you, as the case of the gigantic black dildo is suddenly put to a close.

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