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6 Things Smaller Than the New Laurel Automatic Doors

Over the summer, UConn decided to make some changes to the ecosystem. Gampel is having its roof renovated, the Rec Center construction has commenced, and Storrs Center has made more easily affordable apartments for students with rich parents. Most abhorrently though, Laurel Hall removed the retro doors that everyone complained about, with more state of the art automatic doors that everyone is now complaining about. The following are UConn’s attempts to challenge the size these small sliding glass menageries present, and hopefully not all of them will be about your dick.

6.) Your dick, am I right?:
Alright now that that’s out of the way, let’s get serious with these.

5.) Everyone’s patience:
Patience is as much a virtue as much as it is impossible to measure scientifically, but the sheer petiteness of these doors has made it possible to tell that they are somehow always bigger than the average amount a UConn student is willing to take. Based on the poor design of the doors, UConn’s compassionate thoughts were probably along the lines of “Oh you have a class starting in two minutes and it’s going to take six minutes to funnel the droves of people through the birth canal that is these doors? Sounds like your problem.” So really feel free to shove and claw your way through the crowds as long as it means getting a good seat in your class.

4.) That shot you took:
You know the one. The one where you thought it was okay to take a half shot because you know you can’t take much tequila but then counted it anyway as a full shot, you scumbag. Somehow you’ve made it this far in life and no one has called you on this felonious behavior you’ve decided was okay in a civilized society, but consider this your wake up call. If you don’t heed this advice, at least do a half shot of red wine so you can be somewhat on God’s side, you heathen.

3.) Attention spans during three hour classes:
For whatever reason UConn offers three hour long classes, and for an even more unknown reason students take them. By the end of your class-crucible you’ll be left wondering what it was that you learned after the first twenty-six minutes, when you realized you weren’t half way through a class like you normally would be. For those who have never taken an eighth of a full day long class imagine it like being in church, times three and much more boring. Although at least church gives the impression that life is worth living.

2.) The amount other people care about your frat:
It would be hard to not know that someone is in a fraternity or sorority, as they do a great job advertising the fact that they are in one the same way that McDonald’s advertises the fact that they are McDonald’s. It’s great that you feel like you belong and you have friends and everything, but seriously just keep it to yourself. We’ve all had great times with our friends but we don’t make shirts about that time that your friend broke his Contra record, or that one homoerotic experience at camp with your bunkmate, Tommy. It’s fine to keep some things to yourself. Especially you, Tommy.

1.) The likelihood of UConn surviving nee-$300 million:
Yeah. It’ll be really depressing if that happens. Can you even imagine that much money? We place a lot of pressure on the fact that it costs $1000 for a phone. This is the equivalent of buying three hundred thousand of those bad boys, and no one even needs one of them. Obviously it gets more intricate than buying phones, but that sheer volume gives you an idea of how fucked we could possibly be.

So how many of us actually have class in Laurel Hall? You’re probably a Comm major, so just suck it up. Either way, we should always try our best not to sweat the small stuff (pun intended).

This week on our podcast, a UConn alum recants his best drunk UConn stories, including getting delivery drivers to drive him home from Wally’s. iTunes bois click here.

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