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Op-Ed: The Women’s Basketball Team Should Spend Less Time on the Court and More Time in the Kitchen

Welcome back to The Black Sheep’s Ben Shapiro Week! This week we’ll be celebrating all things Ben Shapiro and the things he stands for: being a racist prick just to own the libs. Please enjoy a week of hot takes that make you groan and wish for a meteor to take us all out of this miserable reality we find ourselves in. Please read more here, and here. And remember, EvEn If YoU DoN’T AgReE WiTh TheIr PoInT iT’S ImPorTaNt tO HeAr BoTh SiDes!~!~!~!

We all know men are the superior athletes. Why would anyone want to watch women’s basketball when we’re all just out here thinking boy, it’d be much better if they were putting a pie in the oven instead of a ball in a hoop. Women are naturally talented cooks and gardeners, not basketball players. Sorry, but these facts don’t care about your feelings. 

Now, I may speak for myself, a bowtie-wearing, 5’0″ white male, but I still believe I could take any of the women on the basketball team 1-on-1. And not just because my brain is naturally smarter and faster at making the decision necessary for sports. Nevermind the fact that I spend hours on end in a basement complaining about women to r/theredpill and r/thedonald, it’s simply science that men are stronger hunters and women are the gatherers. I don’t have time to explain the science to small brained females, and it’s not like you’d get it anyway. But maybe try reading the Bible once in a while, ever heard of it? All you need to know is it’s time for women to gather their things on the court and start hunting for the nearest stove. 

And let’s not forget about Title IX, which basically allows you to play big boy dress up and run around on a court like a dude… but when I put on some pumps and my Revlon Colorbust, all the other College Republicans call me a homo. Is that what God intended? No. Without Title IX, we wouldn’t have to worry about the women making tons of revenue for the school and being on national TV, because they’d be butterin’ a pie in the kitchen where they belong. They wouldn’t get wild ideas about independence and self determination if we took them off the court and put them into child-rearing classes, and I’d be able to put on lipstick and smooch a white mannequin with Benny S’s face taped to it all I damn please without anyone saying I shouldn’t do that or it’s weird

Why are we wasting money on women’s basketball, put on only for sake of gender equality, when my frat gets banned for what? A few “sexual assaults” and “near deaths” from drinking? Please, my dad donates hundreds of thousands to this school, and I didn’t go to the #4 private boys school in Connecticut to be told no. The university should continue to at least allow such institutions that fuel sexual assault and other boys-will-be-boysing to exist and take advantage of university resources merely because they operate under the guise of philanthropy. White men are being persecuted on this campus and we shouldn’t be wasting it on some stupid sport no one watches especially me and people like me!

In fact, we should spend that money on a MEN’S BASKETBALL TEAM! DUH DOY! I don’t like anything that happens on campus that involves people and cultures that I’m not used to. For reasons of science that I’ve already spelled out, we should spend money on chill guys like me and my friends playing basketball on TV. It’d be totally dope, and people would actually watch it. I’m pretty sure Brent can dunk, at least he could his senior year in high school. And my boy Mike Mancini is a super fast dribbler, despite being 4 feet tall, and he started his junior varsity year at Hamden. Gimme a shooting sleeve and I won’t miss from 15ft. Damn, Susan, I hope you read this. Me and the boys will be makin’ huge money in no time. College athletes get paid, right? 

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