Op-Ed: I know why you’re here, you’re here because you read this little puff piece about how I’m resigning to go teach at UConn’s little school for goth lesbos over in Stamford. Well let me tell you, it ain’t my choice. No, you little fuckers finally got your way with your #thanksSusan cutesie little tweets. Congrat-you-fuckin-lations kids. I hope you’re happy.
Well guess what. I might no longer be the head of this hallowed institution, but I will be in your head, your fuckin’ hallowed head while you sleep. That’s right, I’m going Nightmare on Elm St. on your asses.
Next time you’re home, sleeping through a class you bitch about paying too much for on Twitter, I’ll be there. I’ll be all up in your head, making you piss the bed. I don’t care if you’re spooning some piece of meat you brought home from Ted’s. I’ll make you piss all over that bed. Just fill it with piss and have to sulk away to the laundry machine in embarrassment like the sad little puppy fuck you are.
If you thought me destroying UConn basketball, destroying Spring Weekend, suckling as much keesh from the student body as possible, mishandling Title IX issues, or just generally throwing UConn into financial disarray was bad… just wait until I show up in your wet dreams, with knives protruding from my knuckles and slice your tiny little needledick off, Greg.
Yeah, I’m talking to you Greg Mancini. I know you’ve had more than one dream about having sex with a woman who kind of resembles your sister but you tell yourself it’s a Kappa in Laurel Hall. Guess who’s going to show up and shove a double fisted dildo into your ass and make you like it (yeah that’ll really fuck you up Greg) — Ol’ Susie Q that’s who.
“Oh what a great momentous moment for the student body,” I hear you all sneer in your Facebooks and Twitters and Snapchats. “We’re finally going to be free.” Free of what? Hmmm? You’re going to get a job now? No more student debt? Don’t think so bitch.
I’m walking away with tre-figures in my bank account and a severance pack so swollen it makes my dick hurt. What do you get? Nothing. Nothing but no one to bitch and moan about when you have to walk 15 minutes in the fuckin’ snow to learn math from the brightest minds in Connecticut. Wow. Wooooow. I can’t wait.
I literally can’t wait to show up in you fuckers’ dreams. If you thought I negatively impacted your lives before, think again. Sus’ out.
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