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Op-Ed: Just Because I Cancelled Class Doesn’t Mean You Should Go Get Drunk

Every time the alert text gives a winter storm warning, my insides start trembling like a hang glider smothered in jet fuel, and trust me, it’s not pretty. That means that I have to make the ultimate decision: deprive myself of a relaxing day at home counting my stacks of cash by leaving campus open OR do I allow debauchery to ensue on the Storrs campus in return for not having step foot on that forsaken campus?

It’s not that I don’t want you hooligans to have fun, honestly, I could care less about any of you as long as you’re paying tuition and my salary. It’s just the fun that y’all choose to have happens to negatively correlate with my peace and quiet. As for you COMM majors who don’t even know what a correlation is, let me spell it out for you: Cut the shit and stop getting drunk on my campus.

It’s like this entire campus is against me. I’m out here trying to keep you ungrateful little fuckers safe from slipping and sliding down hills and how am I repaid? With Huskies deciding to have a pop-up Nickel, as if Tuesdays are made for anything other than hitting the books. With Grille deciding to throw a damn snow party on Wednesday. OHhHh I’m sure you’re alllll will willingly strap on boots and trek all the way there. Ohh pooor me, you all tweet when I don’t cancel classmy safety! How am I supposed to get to class!? Then I do smash that cancel class button and all of a sudden people can muster up the courage to trek to Ted’s. Hmmmm.

Let’s not forget the frats, which somehow continue to prosper, use this excuse to invite hordes of females into their dingy basements that look one termite away from collapsing in on themselves. You know what? I hope they do. I hope the snow collapses every last goddamn frat on this campus, it’d be a BIG weight off my shoulders. 

Listen, it’s almost spring break. In the small window of the next two days you can all fly out to the tropical vacations financed by your daddies’ credit cards. Take it from Boozin’ Susan herself, your livers are going to suffer enough next week. Some of y’all have to have at least half a brain, put it to some use. You should be taking this week to detox and rid yourself of the toxins and maybe a few alcohol induced pounds instead of adding onto it. With my pleasure to fall on deaf ears, just be careful when you drink. The last thing I need is the good name of my university being tarnished by a stumbling idiot who’s plastered on a Tuesday night. Before you do anything stupid, remember my big black dildo and what it can do to you if you embarrass me.

Anyways, enjoy your (sober) day off!

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