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Op-Ed: If You Lib Pussies Don’t Start Protesting Ben Shapiro It’s Not Going to be Worth It

If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make any noise? I mean yeah obviously, but wouldn’t it be nice to get some recognition?

After years of the only getting publicity at involvement fairs, we UConn College Republicans finally got a taste of a snowflake outrage blizzard of attention, and we want more. After the theft and horrible assault of Lucian Winthrop as he tried voicing our main philosophy, propelling us into the spotlight, the group consensus was that we needed to break the campus once more. By God, we made it to Fox News! Our entire club was fully erect after that for like, three weeks. It was amazing. 

But now we’ve got yet another conservative ~cool~ guy and you guys don’t seem to even give a care? What happened? On behalf of the UConn Republicans we request your immediate attention and recognition, or at least some of those pre-speech protests or whatever. We’re not really interested in what Shapiro has to say, so much as what he says pisses you DUMBocrats off. We need to get some of that self-satisfaction that only comes from the outrage of totally owning libtards like the rest of you.

Are you too busy traveling to Europe again to wear some pussy hats  and insta-broadcast with your totally *kewl* and punny signs? Or have the heavens opened up and allowed y’all to finally see the light and realize that our way is the whi-, er, right way?

We figured new semester, new outrage, and this time we weren’t holding back. What do we have to lose? So who better than Ben Shapiro to strike up another protest? This man is not only a political commenter, a columnist, and a podcaster. A podcaster!! Like what a total visionary, plus he tweets memes, like a cool guy. And true to our own hearts, he realizes how outrageous and worrisome the lib-takeover of the US of A is. What a dreamboat.

Honestly, how much does it suck that we can’t talk about the problems we face, like choosing between patterns of Patagonia’s or whether to jump on the Adidas gang train, without it being swept under the rug as “white people problems” that aren’t as relevant as things like racism and misogyny? Just like all lives matter, all problems matter too, okay? And don’t get us started on how the libs are ruining our college educations with their intolerance of our classic ideas; it really gets Ben going. 

His whole schtick is that you college snowflakes freak out when confronted with new ideas, but if you guys aren’t protesting, then what’s this all for? If we’re the ones throwing a bigger fit about Antifa speaking in an open and free forum, what will Ben think of us?! He’ll call us the snowflakes, and WE’RE NOT SNOWFLAKES!!!!!!!

If you don’t like it then maybe take a break from lounging in your safe space and give us some of that pent up liberal aggression you claim not to have. Bring some signs, maybe threaten to break a few windows, and definitely call the paps. After all, all publicity is good publicity. Come through and bring your outrage. Maybe we’ll make international news this time, fingers crossed!


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