At a school composed of approx 75% Connecticut residents, sometimes it’s a little hard to believe that some people here didn’t grow up living the dream in the middle of bumblefuck CT, wasting weekends away drinking and waiting for basketball season. All you ever hear from these CT-born and bred Huskies is “my entire family went here,” and “I was conceived in one of the res halls in North.” But do y’all ever stop to wonder about the 25% of out-of-state (or international) students who found a home in Storrs? Ever wonder why they ended up here?
8.) In need of new tracks for their Maseratis:
You know how Rainbow Road in Mario Kart is a wild experience now and then, but suddenly you get bored and take a few spins around Moo Moo Farm, because what’s better than speeding around cows and through corn fields? As people who could only ever dream of owning a Maserati, that’s what we’re thinking brought the international kids to the farms of Storrs.
7.) In depth geography lessons:
Unless it’s Storrs (duh), one of the Havens, or Hartford, chances are anyone outside of Connecticut hasn’t heard of it and won’t hear about it until they get here. Wallingford? Sounds like the noise that comes out of someone’s mouth right before they boot. Cromwell? Doesn’t look like Halloweentown. They’ll nod and smile, but there’s no shot they know where you’re from.
6.) To learn the truth about Cumbies:
Maybe this is a general Connecticut thing, but with our very own Cumbies only about a mile up the road, it makes sense to pick this location to investigate. Okay real talk, who in their right mind really thought, oh a gas station-convenience store? Yeah perfect, let’s call it Cumberland Farms? NO. What kind of misleading ass bullshit is that? Farm is literally in the name and yet you say it’s a gas station? That’s just unacceptable.
5.) It’s cheap(er than most):
With tuition plus room and board approaching 50 grand for the out-of-staters, how could you pass up the chance? For this small fee, you get to eat french fries and maybe some pasta, on a good day, while remembering the days REAL burgers graced the dhalls with their presence. Then you get to walk out onto campus, being careful to avoid the construction that just seems to pop up in place of every single shortcut you’ve ever needed to take. It’s the greatest place to dive head first into crippling debt.
4.) ~*PARTY SKEWL*~:
Even though the town of Mansfield and its non-student inhabitants have us 50 shades of fucked up in the recent years, the U of Conn used to have such a crazy reputation for being a party school that it still brings people from far and wide (we assume). This reputation, although severely depleted, seems to still have trickled down, fooling and trapping some crazy kids looking to party, who now spend weekends dorm drinking and trying to find a party that isn’t list, wristband or “”””””capped””””””.
3.) The hot celebs:
No, Justin Bieber isn’t here and neither are any of the kids from Stranger Things (not yet, at least) but going here means going to school with the best basketball team in the entire world. Today, you could be sitting a non-smothering two rows behind one of the girls on the team, while thinking about how basically you’ve also won 11 championships by association. Then tomorrow she could be winning yet another NCAA championship, getting her name cheered and meeting President Oompa Loompa.
2.) The wind tunnel:
It takes a lot of time, effort, and product to get that perfect windswept look to your hair. Now you can forget the time, effort and take it easy on the product, because here at UConn, you can get effortless, perfectly windswept hair just by walking out of your res hall. Truly the architects who designed a New England school after a campus in Texas had nothing but our best intentions in mind. Who cares that the winter brings sub-zero gusts of wind through the wind tunnel of a campus? At least your hair will look good when you freeze and keel over.
1.) The Puppetry Program:
It’s not everyday that you find a top 20 ranked public university that is willing to offer you a degree in the most prestigious of all of the artsy-fartsy theater jobs. Now you get to stick your hand up a wooden doll’s ass for a grade, all while scrambling to find ways to travel all the way to the ruins of old Depot for your education, especially now that purple line fucked off. Not sure how any of y’all got a parental okay to pursue a master’s (!!?!!!?) in puppetry, but we’re glad UConn could be of service.
With so many fantastic qualities, it’s truly a wonder why out-of-staters aren’t rushing to their Common App to apply to UConn. Hurry now kids, with these budget cuts, we may be going under quicker than you can copy and paste your older brother’s college app essay. Whether you’re here because you love wandering up and down Hunting Lodge for a party or because you have high hopes for your future career in puppetry, UConn thanks each of you for your 50 grand a year 25%.
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