Ah yes, love is in the air. Girls walking around with unoriginal carnations their boyfriends just bought for a dollar, in hopes that they’ll be greatly compensated with sub-par sex that he could get any other weekend from the freshmen who litter his basement. Romance is beautiful. Unfortunately for all of those lucky enough to be unchained and getting freaky with whoever they want, it means another year without a Valentine. A FWB doesn’t count, sorry. There’s still time to find something though, and we’re here to help you him or her using different seduction methods all over campus.
6.) Break lecture hall rules:
The first class of the day is always skippable enough, but not today because you need to secure a date with your lecture crush. Common courtesy is to leave one seat between you and the stranger in your row, but that is no bueno for romance to grow. Throw caution to the wind and sit right next to your crush today. It’ll be enough to drive him/her mad with desire. Bonus points if you ask for their number for “study” purposes. Study this dick!
5.) Send a message with Soup Doop:
You arrived at the U just in time to secure a high table, the only sure way to be noticed in there. Spot your target, make some eye contact and send them a wink. Did they wink back? You’re in. It’s time to ask our favorite man on campus to help hook it up. Soup Doop is sure to head over and let her know you can give her that super-duper D (or that you can take that D).
4.) Sit on someone’s lap on Blue Line:
Once you’re done setting up the Union date, it’s time to move on to the next. Thankfully, you Blue Line bus is pulling right up to the Union with half the Hilltop and I-Lot population packing in like sardines. Beside them is another cutie, and they just happen to have taken the last open seat. You could always stand, but how will that get you laid? Assert your dominance, and sit on their lap. Boom! Instant love.
3.) D-Hall dates:
For those with a meal plan, skip the drama and head to the nearest dining hall to find the valentine of your dreams. Lunch is prime time; most people go alone due to lack of friends or scheduling differences. Find the lonely hottie and take a seat at their table. Or if you’re done approaching people for the day, take one of your pre-made dates to the dhall of their choice and blow a swipe on them. Nothing’s more romantic than a date that pays.
2.) Get the Chemistry (Lab) flowing:
Valentine’s Day may be a day of love, but regular responsibilities don’t stop being a thing. Make the best of that three-hour lab by walking out with your date for the night. Sure, neither of you expected love when you were the last two without a lab partner, but everything happens for a reason, right? Bond over your lack of plans and overwhelming horniness as you light the Bunsen burner of love to your future together, or at least your night.
1.) Over some drinks:
Finally for the shy dawgs of the campus who need some liquid courage to get themselves some lovin’. The two hottest spots on campus, Huskies and Ted’s, are making themselves available to all the lonelies tonight with specials that just can’t be beat, like couple’s karaoke. Maybe another lonely soul will go to Ted’s in search of someone and, just like the lab partner, you’ll end up together. Or head over to Huskies for a special Wednesday Nickel with reduced cover. Pay for the babe behind you in line and wait for the perfect chance to grind.
If you’re spending tonight alone, you’re either butt ugly or can’t read. Take these fail-proof ways of getting yourself a Valentine and you can pretend for one night that you’re not unloved.
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