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Op-Ed: How Hard I’ll Nut if Post Malone is Featured at Spring Music Festival

Clearly there were some big problems, give or take, with the Lil Uzi concert last year, and SUBOG making up for that with a Spring Music Festival seems like a cool idea. But, it has the potential to cause even more problems like, for example, more expected headliners canceling last minute.
The answer to these problems is POST MALONE. Name another Bud Light-sponsored degenerate with an angelic voice…I’ll wait.

Picture this: he shows up, he kicks ass, he parties at Huskies, and everyone wakes up the next morning in flannel shirts, basketball shorts, mid-calf socks, and thong flip flops only to return to their rooms to see they have three face tattoos. Try to come up with a better night than that.

But to be fair, let’s look at the other artists whose names have been tossed into the running. Migos would be sort of lit, but those guys couldn’t even pass COMM 1000 back in its easier days. Their vocabulary is maybe 25 words on a good day, and Culture II was a letdown. Quavo just scored 19 in the NBA Celebrity All-Star Game, so Kevin Ollie may use the concert as a halfassed attempt to recruit him before the men’s basketball team totally falls apart.

Imagine Offset and Cardi B sitting courtside at Gampel. Unreal.

Khalid the jumpsuit king doesn’t seem to understand that, just because he sounded good at first, doesn’t mean he has to make every song sound the same. If he came, everyone would be bawling their eyes out and go home to use their Insomnia cookies as the spoon for their Dairy Bar ice cream, which actually doesn’t sound so bad.

Post Malone is 22, the perfect super senior age, and he might be the most entertaining human of all time. His Ghost Adventures episode? Killed it. His Twitter? Hilarious. His music? Touching and hype at the same time.

SUBOG, UConn will nut so hard if Post Malone performs. We’ll collectively nut harder than Pike will when they’re allowed back on campus. Don’t let us down.

P.S. If you can’t get Supe Dupe guy to sing the National Anthem or tell some jokes in between performances, just cancel the whole thing.

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