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Top 5 Technically-Not-Illegal Ways to Reach Your HuskyThon Donation Total

HuskyTHON is on the horizon, those wonderful two days of pretending you don’t spend every day waiting get twisted beyond belief over the weekend. For 18 whole hours you forget drunk crying and trade pulling the trig while dancing the night and day away with some sweet little kids. But a fundraising goal of at least $200 is always tricky, so as per usual, we’re here to save the day with (what would in any other fundraising circumstance be considered unethical) ways to reach your fundraising goal before HuskyTHON.

5.) Do homework for the athletes:
You’ve spent most of your scholarly lives hearing about academic integrity and following the rules, but when it comes to raising money for a good cause there are no rules. This is for y’all taking 1000-level COMM, psych, and HDFS courses. Student athletes have much better things to do than sit in a silly class and learn things. These peeps are the key to reaching your goal. Since they don’t have tuition, rooms, food, or books to pay for, charge them to do the homework they already expect you to do for them. It’s a win-win for them and FTK.

4.) Hold people’s spots in the Dunkin’ line:
Why do you think the 15 minutes between classes give rise to a line almost as long as the one at the taco food truck during spring weekend? Because a Husky without coffee is a ticking time bomb. For those people who have entire days off (business majors we’re looking at you), it’s time to devote yourself as a line saver. With the number of things on this campus people will line up for, you’ll never be out of a job. Advertise on Buy or Sell and you’ll get some takers.

3.) Strip for the loners:
Gents, while this may seem more catered towards the females, we swear it’s just your misogynistic mind forgetting the fact that some lonely lady out there may need your strip tease to make it through a particularly harsh week. You may think you’re normal because on a campus of thousands you’ve actually made friends, but not all Huskies have found their pack, and it’s time to exploit that to your benefit (and that of the kids, obviously). So dish out your sexiest moves and take it all off for the girl or guy who will donate the most to your page.

2.) Sell your seat at the library:
Homer Badbitch turns into a full-ass battle zone during midterms. The simpletons of Storrs come jumping out of the woodwork, suddenly ready to learn the lecture material that has been traded in for some beavers and Nickel’s every other weekend. What are they here for? Study spots, and especially those with outlets. If you’re an early riser this is all you. Step one: secure tables in close vicinity to outlets. Step two: as the underachievers begin pouring in for a desperate attempt to secure an A, suggest a hefty donation be made to your HuskyTHON account in exchange for some outlet action.

1.) Sell knock off Girl Scout cookies:
Already you got some takers, because no one in their right mind can say no to a box of Thin Mints. But if you really want to roll in the cash you have to take it one step further. Dig out your old girl scout uniform and bounce your Do-si-dos around until not just the stoners are swarming your sales, but those horny enough to be turned on by a college girl dressed like a 6-year-old.

You can’t expect every person to donate $200 without outside help, especially not Huskies who spend their money on take out and Nickel cover. That’s precisely why you gotta scheme via your fellow student body to reach your goals. Don’t let the kids down, get to work.

 

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