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Ranking The Sexy Names of UConn Basketball Players

It’s almost 2017 and sexiness can come in many forms (such as having your name on the roster of the best college basketball team in the nation). We took the liberty of ranking the players in order of sexiness of their names – just so you know what’s important when you hear mention of our prolific team. And if you’re mad about this we’re about to elect a female president so sexism is over oh god we’re sorry it was a joke please please don’t hurt and/or sue us or something. 

 

12.) Molly Bent:

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Having a one-syllable last name is about as ordinary as the name of the person who wrote this article. It’s alright though, at least we have each other.

11.) Kyla Irwin:

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Sorry Kyla, but your name reminds us of the late and great Steve Irwin. We are still very emotional about the beloved animal lover and no other Irwin can live up to the name at this point. We miss you Steve, your name is definitely sexier than Kyla.

10.) Tierney Lawlor:

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When we read “lawl” we are reminded of how lame we were in middle school when using it in an A.I.M chatroom, probably asking Smarterchild how many buttholes he has then following it up with “lawl” and “so what time does Pirates of the Caribbean start?” Those memories are not sexy and neither is the name.

9.) Natalie Butler:

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Put it on a nametag and stand in a hotel and you are automatically an employee with a specific job title. No one will ask what you’re doing there and instead, people will simply hand you their luggage and wait for you to get to work.

8.) Batouly Camara:

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Bats. No one likes bats except for that one weird kid from high school who would feed them to his pet snake. Other than that, the name is not so bad, but it’s impossible to get the idea of bats out of your head when saying it. Man, a lot of weird stuff happened in high school. 

7.) Gabby Williams:

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What do Gabby Williams and Ricky Bobby have in common? They’re a person with two first names, except in this case they stuck an “s” to the end of “William” to try and make it sound better. Ok fine that was a stretch but either way, both Ricky and Gabby are winners who only know how to go fast.

6.) Azura Stevens:

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The name reminds one of the majestic Aurora lights that grace the poles of this beautiful planet. Add Stevens to the end and it equals out to a pretty average name, so we’ll leave it here in the middle.

5.) Saniya Chong:

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The name is pretty fun. But also, Saniya is basically Sonya, and Sonia Sotomayor is a boring judge in boring judge clothes. So, 5.  

4.) Kia Nurse:

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Like Butler, the name can’t help but remind us of an occupation. It sounds like the next generation of some trendy vehicle, which features an endless supply of PediaSure and a blood pressure monitor to boot. Not to mention how Kia nursed the Canadian Olympic team as far as they could go in the Rio Games this summer.

3.) Napheesa Collier:

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Napheesa is a name that is hard to say without a smile on your face. The “eesa” at the end reminds us of Game of Thones’ “mhysa” and now we’re picturing Daenerys Targaryen. Which leads us to realize GoT is so far away, which makes Napheesa lose some points. 

2.) Katie Lou Samuelson:

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Go ahead and say her name. It feels like you just recited a verse of poetry with a solid beginning, middle, and end. It flows, it’s fun, and you get to say LUOOO. What more could you ask for? Seriously.

1.) Crystal Dangerfield:

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Being a freshman is not sexy, but having your last name as Dangerfield? Forget it. DANGER is literally in her name. Get the fuck out of the way of this 5’5’’ A1 badass as she WILL cross you up no matter what. Crystal Dangerfield feels like it’ll be the next James Bond girl, only this time she kills James Bond and drives the car off a cliff while shooting a basketball. We’re still revising the script. 

Now that you have as brief of an understanding as possible about this year’s Huskies, let’s bring in the new season and root for our amazing team. Get used to hearing these names because they are sure to be making headlines.

 

If binge drinking is a major problem, then why does cheap beer come in packs of 30?:

 
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