Yeah, you know the ones. One minute you’re chasing the morning grogginess away with a sip of your mimosa and dancing between the weird girl in your anthro class and Chad from Chai Tea Latte, when all of a sudden you’re drenched in a liquid slightly reminiscent of what is currently swishing around in the porta-potties. Any seasoned UConn tailgater knows the risks that come from being too integrated into any of the tailgate crowds. Sure it’s the best place to be, but you’re constantly at the risk of being drenched in champagne showers or, if you’re lucky enough, Natty showers.
8.) Who said you could throw away alc like that?:
Honestly, it’s just so rude because there are SOBER people out there, suffering in that crowd from lack of litness. Meanwhile, you’re standing on your platform and pouring the alcohol out like it means nothing to you? What a cold, cruel soul.
7.) Do you know how long it took to get my hair like this?:
Literally, tailgates are the prime insta locations of the fall semester. No matter how early the tailgates are or how early they have to wake up, you’ll never catch a girl looking like a hot mess. So why don’t you think of that time and effort before unleashing a spray of bubbly onto an unsuspecting crowd?
6.) Is this your way of getting out of drinking the Natty?:
We all know that Nattys are maybe half a step up from drinking warm piss, so it’s completely understandable why you’d find any way to get rid of it, but we promise there are better ways. You could just, ya know, buy actual, decent beer. A wild thought, isn’t it? That Beaver doesn’t look so sickly sweet anymore, huh?
5.) What if you concuss somebody?:
We’ve all had to duck one too many spewing cans of Natty flying towards our heads at full speed because some asshole wanted to be cool for Snapchat. Listen bud, nothing is more disorienting than a blow to the head by a can of warm piss, especially not when it lands at your feet and continues to spray all over you. There’s just no winning for the unlucky receiver of a Natty bomb.
4.) Do you end up as wet as the rest of us?:
The old mystery debated by the greatest thinker of our time, Spongebob Squarepants, concerned mailman and said “So, do you deliver your own mail or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen?” Do you get yourself all wet and gross smelling? Or do one of your other fellow assholes do that for you? Truly the chain is never ending.
3.) How many bottles/30-packs did you have to buy?:
Considering the average champagne shower/Natty shower occurs approximately every FIVE! FUCKING! MINUTES! it seems y’all would go through quite a lot of bottles/cans. But, without fail, they somehow always last until the cops come around shutting the tailgate down. Do you have to place a special order with Storrs Wine and Spirits because we’re just not understanding how you all could’ve possibly purchased so much.
2.) Where do your parents think your money is going?:
A simple follow up to question 3, how do you possibly spend that much money on alc and not have your parents wonder where you burn all that excess cash? Like yeah, maybe you work for yourself or your trust fund manages to cover it but damn, that’s a lot of moolah. Aren’t they even a little worried that after every tailgate, you’re left barely affording ramen? Oh wait, you’re going home to Stamford this weekend to see mom. Nevermind, then.
1.) Who hurt you?:
What are you drinking to this weekend that has you so inclined to drench everyone in your cheap purchases? Or do just get some sick power trip watching the people scatter and duck as you unleash blast after blast of alcohol on them? Smh, visit the CCD or something and get your shit together.
There are plenty of people we have questions for here on campus, but we’re still heated, rinsing crusty ass Natty Ice out of our good pair of leggings from homecoming last weekend.
This is how you JUUL it!