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All The Shit Seniors are Just Too Old For at UConn

After four years you’d think UConn seniors would’ve learned their way around the block, but you’d be dead wrong. It’s so easy to find the elders of the campus making the same mistakes they made years before, like walking and just generally leaving the their apartments. There’s some shit at UConn seniors are just too old to care to do anymore, and here’s a list of them:

6.) Walking:
Be it from class or back from whatever bar you were at, why are you using your legs? Even with the curve ball we’ve been thrown with the loss of the red and yellow line (RIP), you should still have a refined knowledge of the bus schedule. And from the bar? It’s been four years, you’ve definitely amassed an armada of rides you can get from people you know, and even if you don’t have friends, you’re still aware of $2 sober rides. Unless you’re one of those kids that claims to “like” walking, in which case you’re a liar who has to walk to maintain the illusion.

5.) Taking pictures with the Husky statue:
Why are there so many pictures of students wearing UConn senior apparel still taking pictures with the statue? As if you don’t already have a thousand pictures with him, why do you need more? It’s the same slab of concrete it was three years ago. Oh are you making a dumb before and after picture to put on Facebook because you’re cool and original? Hey since you’re so in with it, you should do something no one’s ever done, like make it look like you’re riding Jonathan. That’ll make you the envy of the whole campus.

4.) Omelette Bars:
Ugh. It sounds like such a cool thing in theory, but once it’s actually applied it makes everyone ashamed of the fact that part of the birthing process involves an egg. They just take some eggs and essentially air dry them until they’re ready to be handed out. Or sometimes if you’re lucky they’ll slap ’em on the radiator and you’ll get it with that gooey taste that’s also uncomfortably chunky. If you haven’t learned your lesson with this after four years, god bless you.

3.) Free plastic:
Let’s just get this out in the open: free shit sucks. It’s true that you get what you pay for, and when you don’t pay for it, you get stuff nobody would ever want. Oh free pens? Pens are literally everywhere, do you want to have to be using one that you took from L.L. Bean? Oh SUBOGs giving out light up yo-yos? We were unaware it’s 1986. No one should get this excited over this stuff, so calm down.

2.) Sin Awareness Day:
Aw yeah, everyone’s favorite day that comes like eleven times a semester. For one, no one in the crowd is being swayed over to dark side and succumbing to their hatred. They’re just a bunch of Westboro-Baptist groupies who somehow made their way onto campus, and when everybody screams at them they do that thing where they they’re being all high and mighty by not yelling back… but it doesn’t work since high and mighty people don’t hate the gays. (Side note: Girl who showed up wearing the rainbow flag as a cape, you did great.)

1.) Graduation:
So you finally made it all the way to the top of the hill, only to find out that it’s more like the bottom of the barrel. Honestly, graduation is the worst. It’s like a football game, except you’re in a basketball stadium, no one’s drunk, and no one whose name is getting called will be making any money any time soon. Plus, we’ve all done graduation before, you know, in high school. You  remember how boring it was, you’ve learned enough to know that it’s dumb to go.

In the end it really comes down to one thing: maturity. Do you think you’ve really grown up over these past four years, or are you still that dumb little punk that showed up at UConn’s door step three years ago? It’s hard to tell, but you’re the one graduating.

Oh and so is JUULing, no one should JUUL:

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