UConn is falling apart. Tory Lanez blue-balled us, and apparently we’re busting too many nuts into the shower drains. Buildings on campus are about to collapse from dilapidation, but there is one building that is always in pristine condition… the goddamn Uconn bookstore.
When you first come to UConn, the bookstore is like the coolest thing ever. Everything is UConn-centric and fresh, it’s the pinnacle of college and all the new things you’re about to experience.
But then you find out those UConn shirts will never fit you after you find out D.P. Dough is a thing, and those textbooks won’t be your stepping stones to enlightenment, but rather the sole cause of your existential crises. What could go wrong? Sure you’ll be depressed, but at least you’ll be depressed in baggy $85 Champion sweatpants with a screen-printed husky on your thigh.
So you tell yourself you’re done with the bookstore, but then the emails start to pile in. Like that time after the women’s basketball team won an AAC quarterfinal game, and the bookstore sent an email saying they were ACC champions. Wrong, so wrong. So to make up for it, they corrected the email and offered the same exact discount on clothes that they were already offering! Such good, kind-hearted people over there at the bookstore who put money first, students second, and knowledge of college basketball somewhere in the back room.
Speaking of the backroom, let’s talk about the layout. You walk into the bookstore and don’t see a SINGLE BOOK. You have to go up those windy steps to be greeted by 25 student workers with their creepy, soul-penetrating half smiles just to get near the shelves near the books. But you’re not there for the books, you’re there to wander around aimlessly until your next class because it’s windy as fuck outside. So, the capitalism masterminds that be knew how to get their bitchass ROI up and installed a (FoR tHe LadIes) a Sephora!!!
We’ll ignore the fact that we’ve never seen anyone use it except for that field hockey All-American who couldn’t resist stealing that $34 makeup.
Don’t sleep on that awkward convenience store in the back or the “fuck it what else do college kids spend money on” Starbucks. If you want to spend north of $5 on a subpar drink that will give you the shits, you know where to go.
So how could we possibly replace a UConn staple like the bookstore? Gather around, my disciples, and listen to what I have to say. Buy your books on Amazon, you idiots. You should be doing that already, since it’s the reason they totally redesigned the fuckin’ thing. And buy much cooler, retro UConn clothes at Savers in Manchester — it’s good for the environment AND you’re not just egregiously filling Susan’s coffers for no reason.
As for your coffee needs, just go to the Beanery or Bookworms like a normal UConn student. The workers are cute as fuck, and you’ll hear “That’ll be $2.15 with your UConn ID,” instead of hearing at Starbucks, “That’ll be $5.67. Do you want extra caramel sauce, you little bitch?”