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UConn’s Course Catalog Rewritten to Describe What Classes Are Actually About

Sometimes here at UConn, class names are a fucking lie. And by sometimes, we mean always. Our course catalog is basically clickbait: the class title says one thing, but the actual content is irrevocably different and a ploy to steal your self-worth and harvest your tears. So here’s a brief and easy manual to help pick the right class and save yourself from weeks of I’ll just walk into Mirror Lake and it’ll be over thoughts.

Engl 2201 — American Literature to 1800:
For lovers of the 1800s, the Civil War, the Antebellum period and stories where people are horribly mistreated and everyone dies from diptheria. It’s like Oregon Trail but instead of fun it’s a fucking nightmare.  

Engl 2203 — American Literature Since 1800:
This class is either taught by a professor who was previously butthurt over a class being mean to him and forever takes it out on his students, or one who is so boring you’re signing up for Talking with the People Around You 101. Oh yeah and like Hemingway and shit. 

HIST 1501 — United States History:
A classic Content Area One class that sometimes involves roleplaying characters from the American Revolution. This might sound fun in theory, until suddenly you’re LARPing deep in the Busby woods and your life spirals away from you. 

ENGL 2401 — Poetry:
Actually take this one. It wouldn’t fucking kill you to liven up and get in touch with your inner Poe for once. You’ll learn the valuable experience of transcending embarrassing situations, a growing experience if you will. 

MUS 110-Any of the 1 Credit Music Classes:
Only in the deepest, darkest, dankest, and depressing of times should you consider this. Tread carefully. It’s typically once a week and you’re going to be one of four students. Finally, an appropriate place and time to vent with a group of random people about each other’s traumatizing childhoods.

CHEM 1122 — Chemical Principles and Applications:
Lol don’t do this. Unless you’re a sociopath, or have to. This one is the slippery slope into more and more impossibly chemistry classes that will ruin whatever career you had planned and straight A record you’ve maintained until now. Bye bye future doctors of America, you’re fucked. 

PHYS 1600Q — Fundamentals of Physics I:
Only take if you like some pain with your pleasure. Just kidding there’s no pleasure in laboratory sciences but if you’re looking for an easy Q credit, take 1000Q. The math isn’t terrible, but you’re screwed if your lab group is stupid, or you’re stupid.

ILCS — Don’t take Italian it’s hard as fuck:
Check yourself before you wreck yourself kids. If you took three consecutive years of French, Spanish, or whatever language some underpaid teacher taught in high school, why would you continue to torture yourself? 

ENGL 1503 — Intro to Shakespeare:
If you like having Shakespearean sonnets read to you and discussing tiny dogs and sassy British housewives, this is the one. Oh and Romeo and Juliet isn’t a love story. There, you pretty much just took the class. 

LLAS 1190 — Latin American Politics:
Belize. More Belize. Venezuela. Chile. Corruption. Violence. Mormonism. This is the only one that’s not totally a joke. 

Be safe, not stupid. Pick classes with your friends so you can fuck around and get notes when you’re too hungover to function. And while you’re drinking to forget the future of your shitty schedule, don’t forget to check out who won our 2018 Drunk Food Bracket!

Know anyone at one of these schools? Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!



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