This week’s Daddy is a UCONN celebrity: desired by all women, admired by all underclassmen, and regarded with respect by all faculty. He is Orientation Leader Frank. He’s fit to the nines, but only due to the graces of genetics because daddy has flat foot syndrome and bad joints – so you’ll never see him at the gym. Add him on snap to see him rubbing a sandwich sensually around lunchtime 3 times a week. Long fingers, longer subs…
Name: Orientation Leader Frank
Major: Molecular & Cell Biology, Pre-Dent
Relationship status: Occupied
Dad Joke: Child Support
Hobbies: Serenading your girl
Rumor has it you acquired, and then lived with, a squirrel during your time here. What were some of his annoying “roommate” qualities?:
He wasn’t very independent. Had to keep checking to make sure he wasn’t dead. Lived in the shower, total low life. His form of personal entertainment was to hang off the shower pole.
Your kid asks you if the tooth fairy is real. What do you do?:
Sing “Believe” by Josh Groban and slowly walk away.
Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer?:
I’m delicate, I gather.
How do you get women to fall in love with you?:
Very naturally, I’m the Elon Musk of romance.
Tell us the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you:
For starters, very little embarasses me. I completely trench ripped my pants at Gamma Phi formal and kept dancing. The closest I’ve ever been to being embarrassed was as a wide eyed 18 year old at the Old Huskies. Drinks were flowin’ (so was the sauce), this girl and I were vibin’, and as soon as I told her how old I was, she three-point turned her ass away from me.
What rule have you always dreamed of breaking?:
Rules? I don’t live by them. I cut all the lines, break all the hearts.
How do you show your interviewers just how badly you want the job?:
A little tat for tit on the black leather couch.
What is the most romantic thing you have ever done?:
I got her a wooden plaque that says “not that deep” and it’s…well…well it’s carved pretty shallow.
Which building did you have class-less fun in?:
Laurel, AKA the classroom building. Drew the shades down, turned the brightness to 33%, and proceeded with our anatomical studies.
Favorite 90’s jam?:
Breakin’ My Heart, Mint Condition.
Dentist, until the right the woman finds me and makes me her trophy husband. From then on it’s a full transition to Stay at Home Interior Designer-Dad.
Which president would you want to spend a night in a hot tub with?:
Which is the one with polio? He wouldn’t take up too much space.
If you were in a porno, which character would you play?:
Probably a doctor, but you see, the Taxi drivers get them all. So I’m a bit torn.
Did you win any superlatives in high school?:
Most Likely to be Taken Home to Their Parents.
Most extreme thing you’ve ever done?:
I got dared to jump over the hood of a Porsche. My flat foot syndrome doesn’t exist when I’m drunk.
Favorite spot on campus?:
The roof of ITE, it’s a beautiful view. It’s lame but whatever dude.
If you’d like to be featured as Daddy or Mami of The Week, email us at UConnDaddy@theblacksheeponline dot com, or DM our Twitter account pictures of your butthole, we’ll do the rest.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: