This week’s daddy is a certified DG Daddy who goes by Kevin. Kevin has a self-prescribed micro-penis that he’s shown to an unknown number of people. It could be 1, it could be 1,000. If you want Kevin to slap on his floss-thin-thong and waltz around your apartment, too bad, because Kevin is married.
Relationship Status: Married
Dad joke: Just finished that documentary about beavers. Best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
Tell us about your first night of college:
I walked down to Hunting Lodge with a few friends hoping to find somewhere to drink the inch of Burnett’s I had poured into a Poland Springs bottle. We followed a little group into the basement of a random house (I think Zeta Psi) and I realized I was wearing my high school Safe Grad shirt. I went outside, flipped it inside out, and was stopped at the door coming back in, where I was told I must show my penis to return to the party. Ended up negotiating and doing 10 pushups instead, but needless to say that was the moment I decided Greek Life was for me.
What is your least favorite car model? Describe it as if it were a working class human:
The PT Cruiser is an obese 56 year old divorced Enterprise employee who has 3 different craigslist accounts that he uses to post in the “personals” section about looking for an “under 21 hunny” to hook up with.
Preferred clothing to wear while running?
I have this dope polar bear skin thong but my friends told me I can’t wear it too often so I stick to either a long piece of floss or a yard of caution tape. Just running shorts if it’s the sabbath.
Describe a perfect day:
8:00 a.m. — My mom wakes me up with a 15 second kiss on the lips.
What is the ugliest thing about you?:
Gotta be the micropenis.
If you were stranded on an island with one celebrity who would you chose?:
Marilyn Manson because I honestly have so many questions for him (her?).
How do you feel about your hypothetical children calling you daddy?:
As long as they let me spank them it’s fine.
If you were a beer which beer would you beer?:
I’d have to say Keystone. Nobody actually likes me but for some reason frat boys are always talking about me.
What animal do you most resemble?:
Seahorse. In certain lighting my body looks almost identical to one, and the male pregnancy thing speaks for itself.
Your face, Dwayne Johnson’s body. Rate yourself:
6.5. Years of running cross country has given me the ideal male figure and The Rock doesn’t really compare.
Cannibalism or voyeurism?:
Kind of into a combo of the two. I get turned on by watching people eat each other.
What do you eat in the morning?:
What do you want to name your kids?:
Ideally I’d have seven or eight kids and name them all the same thing just so everyone’s always on their toes. I’d probably go with something gender-neutral like William or Emily so no one feels weird.
Your fart exceeds 120 dB in MCB. What do you do?:
1 – Pat myself on the back.
2 – Pack up and walk out cause as a math major in an MCB class I’m definitely in the wrong room.
3 – Check my pants in the nearest bathroom… I’ve been known to leave skid marks.
Mary-Jane or Mary-Kate-and-Ashley?
Mary-Kate and Ashley were kind of hot when they tag teamed the role of Michelle Tanner in Full House so I’ll go with them.
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