This week’s UConn daddy laughs when his phone percentage is 69 and spends his free time starring in The Office spoofs; your own personal Michael Scott, ladies. Catch him on the streets filming the UConn Tonight Show and, fingers crossed, you get to be one of his lucky interviewees. His mellow charismatic carelessness gives off that “whatever” cool guy vibe that makes you desperately want to earn his approval, and it works. He’s “down for whatever” but will not “go down on whatever.” If you took that personally, that’s a You problem.
Name: Benjamin Fuck-it
Relationship Status: A fresh pig on the market.
Dad joke: If you were a president, you’d be Babe-raham Lincoln.
Favorite Spongebob episode?:
Krusty Krab tutorial video. Hoopla.
What’s the last thing that crosses your mind each night before you fall asleep?:
I wonder who’s stalking my social media right now, and if they like what they see.
What were you like in middle school?:
I only listened to Dad-Rock. My hair covered my nipples and my braces were filled with cafeteria food.
Pizza crust — spit or swallow?:
Swallow, spitting is quitting. That 2.50 pays for the whole pizza not just the cheese covered part.
Explain the Theory of Evolution in less than 10 words:
Cell fish monkey –> bigger dicked monkey.
Do you like your salad tossed?:
If you’re using that in the prison sense I would just never eat salad.
At what point in your life did you know that your parents were disappointed in you as a son, and as an intellectual?:
Early into high school I realized I was a mistake. My brother is 8 years older….they haven’t expressed “disappointment” yet, but I’ve yet to start my job hunt so there’s still time.
Worst decision you’ve ever made?:
I dated two psychopaths. I can write out case studies on the two of them.
How did Bill Murray rise to fame?:
Is that the guy from… Ghostbusters?
If you could ask God anything, what would you ask:
Why didn’t you make me taller?
What’s your type?:
Blonde hair, blue eyes, slim thick, has to be a badass chick.
Most romantic thing you’ve ever done?:
I planned a spontaneous trip to the city for the girl I was dating on her birthday, but spontaneity wasn’t her thing so we ate at the Cheesecake Factory instead.
If you shrunk to 6 inches tall how would you spend your day?:
I’d be a freelancing penis. A Free, American, Penis.
What would you choose as your last meal on death row?:
Chicken Parm with some wine, bread, and a cannoli as a final good-bye to my life long love of The Olive Garden.
If you’d like to be featured as a Daddy or Mami of The Week, DM our Twitter account because we forgot the email password, we’ll do the rest.