This week’s daddy is Dan the Ass Man, and he is as deep as he is tall. This dark, libidinous man is everything your parents prayed for you to bring home. His luscious head of hair might be temporary, but his puppy dog eyes will be there through the thinning. Need help opening your jar of salsa? Daddy’s got arms like the Hulk, he just needs to be turned on. You’ve got a month left to win an all-nighter with this cutie, on your mark, get set… get him hammered and take advantage!
Name: Dan the Ass Man
Relationship status: Life’s too short
Dad joke: I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then I turned myself around.
If you started balding prematurely would you invest in a toupee?:
I’d do the sprayable hair instead, but only if my confidence took a massive blow. Balding is part of life and it’s in my genes, so I’m going to try “aging gracefully,” and if I end up looking like a lanky Howie Mandel I’ll seek a change.
Which one of Katy Perry’s music videos kick started your balls dropping?:
“I Kissed a Girl,” made me think I was a lesbian. I’ve been told a thousand times that I have a lesbian haircut, and at that point I was so naive that I couldn’t help but think twice.
FMK: Angela, Phyllis, Meredith:
Marry Phyllis, fuck Meredith, kill Angela. Phyllis has a healthy energy about her, definitely an incredible chef. Meredith might teach me something illegal, and Angela would turn our living room into a cat shrine and I’m not mentally ready to inhale a ball of fur every time I open my mouth.
Which Disney princess is most like your dream woman?:
The Little Mermaid has tail.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?:
I can only see my life going in one of two ways, neither of which include a success story. I’ll either be naked in a freshman painting class or gambling in Atlantic City.
Number one life fantasy?:
Get spun in a stroller by Blac Chyna in Epcot Center.
Fish or meat?:
Fish. Big fan of smoked salmon, on cream cheese, on a thick plain bagel. It’s the edible version of me.
Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?:
Back when UConn was so wet that grass grew on vodka, there used to be a weekly parade to Hunting Lodge in an attempt to find a banger. Picture St. Paddy’s day, but instead of 5th Ave it’s North Eagleville. The minute we find a party, before I even manage to crack a beer, I get a folding chair thrown at me from the balcony. Tipsy and ballsy I throw it back, much to the disappointment of my friend. Anyway, this guy throws it down at me again, hits my head, and a few seconds later I get ANOTHER chair to the face WWE style. My friends found me belly down in the dirt. Not sure how long I was out for but I still cough up dirt on occasion.
What’s something you’ll never admit to your mother?:
That I’m daddy of the week?
Is OJ guilty?:
“If I did it here’s how”… Guilty as fuck. That’s like saying “I didn’t eat the last cookie, but if I did, this is how it’d taste.”
Susan needs mouth to mouth:
1. I am not certified.
2. I AM certified but you’re fine.
3. She’s just choking on her money, it’ll disintegrate.
4. Fine. Wrinkly bitch. Come here.
Favorite drunk college story?:
Hypothetically, Chair Night would’ve been great. Allegedly Rodney Purvis offered me a ride home from the party but I was severely concussed so how accurate that is, I’m not sure. Ended up at the infirmary instead.
What will you miss most about UConn?:
Walking across the seal. It’s the only dangerous thing I’ve ever done. Although, shit, I did it yesterday and I’m actually worried about failing a specific class so now I’m regretting years of subversive behavior.
I spend more time looking for a good playlist than I do under the water. It’s very difficult to find a playlist that contains both John Mayer and Migos. I loofa my body. Just shampoo. Not two in one. Conditioner is a corporate scam.
What do you do with your free time?:
I play guitar, and I lie about playing the guitar.
A day in the nude in Aruba or a hike with your golden retriever in Colorado?:
A nude hike with my golden retriever in Colorado
Top or bottom?:
You’re kind of limiting me right now.
If you’d like to be featured as Daddy or Mami of The Week, email usatUConnDaddy@theblacksheeponline.com, or DM our Twitter account pictures of your butthole, we’ll do the rest.