This week’s UConn Daddy of the Week is a sucker for doggos and Willy Shakes (Shakespeare, you idiots). You can catch him bench pressing at the gym, but he’s very modest about it and doesn’t like to gloat. Aw. It’ll most likely be a good book or a slap on the knee literary pun that gets him stimulated, so read up on your classic literature ladies because he’s got Emily Dickinson on the mind.
Relationship Status: Single
Frat: Absolutely fucking not
Dad Joke: Mommy tomato and baby tomato are walking down the street. Baby tomato falls behind. Mommy tomato says, catch up.
If you were a flavored condom what flavor would you be?:
Margarita, salt included.
What is your go-to English major themed pick up line?:
English majors can pick up girls?
Ted’s is better than Huskies. Change my mind:
Why would I lie and try to change your mind?
How do you get women to fall in love with you?:
What’s your biggest fear?:
Being alone. Or running out of Nutella.
What lengths would you go to in order to touch the freshly waxed leg of a VS model?:
I’d travel from my couch to the fridge. Not much farther than that.
Why is it called Dollar General if Tostitos tortilla chips cost $2.39?:
Because of the lying capitalist pigs.
When you kiss, do you snorkel or scuba dive?:
I don’t know what that means, just no butt stuff.
Tell me about your craziest booze infused adventure:
I fell asleep on a sprinkler system once and woke up to it coming on under me.
Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?:
Still trying to figure out my major.
Your gums are impeccable. Floss?:
Nah people who floss are kind of weird. I feel like they’re like narcs, like all people who floss are narcs.
If you invented peanut butter before it was called peanut butter, what would you have named it?:
Describe your favorite chocolate bar the way you would describe a lover:
First you have to unwrap it slowly to make it feel appreciated. You can’t just bite into it, take your time, get to know what flavor it is. Are there nuts? Because you’d have to chew it a little more. Taking your time means it’ll melt a little, which is fine because then you can lick it off.
It’s laundry day. You have no more boxers. Sniff test or commando?:
Sniff test. Because wearing a slightly smelly pair of boxers is better than having your dick pop out somewhere.
What will you tell your 6 year old child when they ask, “Daddy, where do babies come from?”:
I’m going to be brutally honest with them and tell them everything in excruciating detail.
You’re skydiving and the parachute won’t release. You pull out your phone to send that last dying text. What is it and who is it to?:
First of all how do I get service up there? It’d be to my mom, saying, “Why didn’t you tell me this was a bad idea?”
Fuck Marry Kill: Danny DeVito, George Clooney, The Jonas Brothers
Fuck: Danny DeVito. Marry: George Clooney. Kill: the Jonas brothers, all of them. Wait are they a unit? Or do I get to separate them? Never mind, all of them.
What movie always makes you cry?:
Titanic. There was plenty of fucking room on that piece of wood.
If you got arrested, what would be the first thing your friends assumed you did?:
Got into a drunken fight over nothing that important.
What’s one thing “kids these days” do that pisses you off?:
Everything 14 year olds do pisses me off.
What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?:
I gave a girl flowers one time and woke up the next morning with them in my trash.
Depends what mood I’m in when I wake up in the morning. Today it’s Margot Robbie.
Which Disney prince do you most relate to?:
Does the crab from The Little Mermaid count?
What skills do you possess that would help you survive a zombie apocalypse?
No fucking skills. Zero. None. I read books and write papers. That doesn’t help me.
If you had to read an entire encyclopedia, which letter would you choose?
X, because I feel like it has the least amount of words. It’s just xylophone, x-ray, and that’s it.
If you’d like to be featured as Daddy or Mami of The Week, email us at UConnDaddy@theblacksheeponline.com, or DM our Twitter account pictures of your butthole, we’ll do the rest.
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