Listen the fuck up. The results are in. Spoiler alert: there was only one upset, but it is what it is. In case you live under a rock (and somehow made it to Facebook to read this), here’s what happened in the first round of the 2018 UConn Drunk Food Bracket.
D.P. Dough: 63% VS. Mooyah: 37%
No shocker here. We all expected more out of the beef and cheese lovers, but D.P. Dough is a real weapon. If you bet on this matchup you’re just stupid. Let’s not forget that D.P.’s chicken is anything but actual chicken, and that may hurt the “pizza alternative” when they match up against some real food. Can’t deny that it’s impressive that an operation run from a basement next to a sketchy laundromat managed to put itself on the map. As for you, Mooyah, thanks for trying. Maybe hire some workers who know how to work a fryer.
Wings Over: 72% VS. Wally’s: 28%
Hey Wally’s, look who was right. Your fried pieces of rubber aren’t fooling anybody, and puds are just a slightly more creative French fry, not to mention they’re 80% air and 15% disappointment, like sex on a blimp. Sure, you’re a post-Nickel hotspot, but that literally did nothing for you in this poll. Broken heels and torn button downs or not, we’d rather cross the street without checking left and right to Wings Over. They have the sauce, and Wally’s only has the seasoning.
Blaze Pizza: 53% VS. Sgt. Pep’s: 47%
FUCK YEAH, we have an upset. This is what Sgt. Pep’s gets for not cleaning their oven since the days of the old Husky logo (the OG 1959 one, of course). Did anyone really think that a LeBron James-owned restaurant would lose in the first round? Keep in mind that LeBron has four years of NCAA eligibility left. I’m not saying we should get rid of the entire men’s basketball roster and let him play 1 vs. 5 for four whole seasons, but since UConn is already in the spirit of rearranging the basketball team, it couldn’t hurt to only have LeBron and Dan Hurley.
Insomnia: 53% VS. Ted’s: 47%
Ted’s has to be the dirtiest place on earth. You might need a tetanus shot after touching the door handles. But enough about them, Insomnia has clearly established itself as the official late-night food of alcoholic and stoner Huskies alike. UConn definitely got this one right, so if you disagree drop your cute ass blue Beaver and come fight like a real man. If this were a question of where you’d rather spend your time, Ted’s would win by a landslide. But Insomnia is the place to go after a painful public rejection, for a piece of southern comfort. A chocolate chip is so forgiving, and a s’mores cookie takes you back to your days as a boy scout with that creepy counselor…Larry Nassar? Was that his name?
VOTE IN ROUND 2:
Cast your votes for the UCONN DRUNK FOODS BRACKET! Results updated weekly. (thread) pic.twitter.com/RTDcFp80yw
— The Black Sheep UConn (@blacksheepuconn) March 26, 2018
So that sets up the Final Four: D.P. Dough, Wings Over, Blaze, and Insomnia. Watch out for sleepers, and make sure to vote on our Twitter @blacksheepuconn all week. If you don’t vote, I hope they run out of Trojans at the CVS in Storrs Center.
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