It’s officially Family Weekend at UConn, and you know what that means. That’s right, overwhelming sadness. Except now you get to hide it while hanging with your parents, who let’s just call Doug and Abby. Doug and Abby had to deal with you for 18 years of their prime, and just when they thought they were done with you once and for all, you managed to drag them back and take away the only two days off they have per week. Here’s some ways you can still manage to salvage some semblance of an enjoyable family get-together (but bring a flask just in case).
5.) Hit up Depot Campus:
The cops are gonna be busy this weekend making sure everyone else’s drunk dad isn’t killing everyone else’s drunker dad, so why not head over to this classic hang out spot. Depot Campus is much like your parents in that it’s very old and the people it reared never visit, mostly because they’re either puppets or asylum inmates from the 50s. So why not take your parents up that weird ivy-covered fire escape into the asylum and take an awkward Instagram photo while Abby tries find some leftover quaaludes so she can get away from it all.
4.) Go see dad’s old frat:
Fraternities have been longstanding parts of society we just can’t seem to get rid of, like racism and the Polio virus, so it goes without saying that Doug was in a frat because everyone’s dad was in a frat. While he’s in town why don’t you go with him so that he can look back at what was very sadly the best years of his life. When he’s staring into space outside Snail House, take Abby to Ted’s and give her a Beaver, cuz God knows she needs it. Hopefully Doug won’t think about how his job isn’t anything near what he had wanted to and that he hasn’t actually felt alive since his days doing meaningless bullshit with his brothers. Why would he do that?
3.) Avoid reminding them of their mid-life crises:
You’ve noticed that Doug and Abby have been acting distant as they get older, both from you and from each other. Doug splurged on that new car and Abby has been increasingly asking her doctor for more little helpers. So if you want this weekend to go well, avoid flaunting all of your happiness in their faces. You have a girlfriend? Send her to the tailgate with her friends and don’t get mad about her laced-up Huskies tee. You got a job writing for a comedy site? Tell them when you’re being paid for it. The last thing thing anyone wants to hear while they’re still alive is things they won’t be doing with it. Also, they don’t care about your screenplay idea.
2.) While you’re at it avoid the Fine Arts Center entirely:
Speaking of avoiding things, consider the fine arts center to be like one of those areas they kept all the people with the plague in. Abby always wanted to be an actress. Or a singer. Fuck or was it a doctor? You really should listen to your mother more. Now if she even sees a theatre or any reminder of it she’s gonna break down, and in most scenarios when your mom starts crying uncontrollably it usually puts a damper on the whole situation. Oh fuck there she goes.
1.) Console your mother for Christ’s sake, she gave birth to you it’s the least you can do:
Abby is crying you monster. Why did you need to make them come up this weekend? They could have had a nice romantic weekend to themselves to reconnect and drink themselves silly at Martha’s Vineyard. But noooooooooo, you had to follow the crowd and have them come up for Family Weekend. Now they’re stuck in traffic and a construction worker is hollering at Abby and Doug is pretending not to care. It’s just a mess.
In the future, why don’t you just let your parents do whatever they want to do, since odds are they had to do the things you wanted since circa 1999. If they wanna come up, let em, if they don’t don’t make them. Doug and Abby need some alone time man, although hopefully they won’t cause another parents weekend in 18 years and 9 months as a result.
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