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1,134 Things $1000 Gets You at UConn that ISN’T the iPhone X

Aside from literally photocopying your face and somehow charging without the use of conventional electricity, the iPhone X has one problem that’s far more concerning: it’s one thousand fucking dollars. America quickly figured out that those ten Ben Franks could be spent on the entire Cracker Barrel menu, which is obviously a much more appropriate purchase. But why spend an extra 20 dollars on gas to get there when you can spend no more than that 1000 dollars right here on campus!

935 Insomnia cookies:
One of the main attractions for the UConn community is the promise of not having to take your mouth off the bong longer than 30 seconds to receive and open a steamy box of pure ecstasy. Every Insomnia cherry is popped with the classic 6 pack, initially a struggle to finish, but soon enough finals week comes around and you’re chasing down cookies and Xanax with a Natty just to get yourself out of bed. Be the envy of everyone except your mother for a generous price of $999.25.

33 parking tickets:
Do you experience chronic pain while driving to C Lot, or shed a tear passing all the open spaces in closer parking lots? Still thinking of saving that thousand dollars for the iPhone? Then sit back down and shut the fuck up. Instead of wasting time in line for an overpriced, less exciting Nintendo DS, you could be SAVING time by parking in lots closer to class 33 times this semester for just $990. Sure the iPhone will cost the same, but the relief in knowing you can let those orange tickets rain in like dollars in the strip club is priceless.

66 room keys:
Every Husky experiences the fear of walking out the door every morning, and shaking their backpack to quadruple check for the jingle of the room key. One wrong move and it’s fifteen dollars taken out of your pocket quicker than 11:59 rolls around on due dates. For an unbeatable price of $990, unleash your careless inner-self. Throw some shades on, crank some “Bad to the Bone,” and leave the damn keys on the desk.

100 Beavers:
Let’s be honest, that time you left the tab open longer than you should’ve taught you nothing, and the hangover declarations of never drinking again aren’t fooling anyone. So instead of putridly mixing shots and beer throughout the night — put that cash to better use and buy 100 straight Beavers. Impress the bar crowd with your selfless need to give, or funnel them yourself until you drown. Wherever you end up the next morning, there’s no doubt that $1000 couldn’t have been spent on anything better than memories you definitely remember. 

So while your trust-fund friend from Stratford shows off her new cell, sit back and relish in the fact that you’re living live giving zero fucks. But let’s be real, you’re already doing that anyways.

PS: This week on our podcast, a UConn alum recants his best drunk UConn stories, including getting delivery drivers to drive him home from Wally’s. Have a listen! 

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