It’s Guido time, bitches. Jersey Shore has returned to reunite our country and campus alike. It’s weird (but not surprising) how many similarities there are between the Jersey Shore cast and places to live at UConn. If you aren’t up to date on your Jersey knowledge, just know that this article is about to defy the law of intelligence.
Ronnie – Northwest:
Northwest is the official land of naïve underclassmen who are trying to find themselves here in bumfuck Storrs. They will also tell you that their dining hall, rooms, and drinking abilities are the best on campus, but we don’t believe that bullshit for a minute. They represent Ronnie’s meathead qualities, and the fact that they will pledge a frat because it gives them the right to lead on any girl their creatine-pumped biceps can attract.
Sammie – North:
North is the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet until they befriend a person from Northwest. Once that happens, the “do not fuck with me” attitude will slap you right in the face. There is a never-ending battle between North and Northwest, much like the one between Ronnie and Sammie during the entire show. Also, if you don’t think Sammie will make an appearance in Miami you’re bugging.
Snooki – Husky Village:
Find a person who hasn’t spent a night here to wake up and say, “My heart is racing, and I smell like King Kong’s asshole.” Snooki’s lack of height and logic make her a perfect fit for the ville. Sorority girls, if you made it this far into the article without being distracted by that interesting white stain on your leggings, then you aren’t all like Snooki. But you’re all guilty by association, so cry about it.
JWoww – Celeron:
JWoww has that real grimy, off-campus vibe that is the quintessential quality of Celeron. If there is any place where you could walk into any given apartment and find a phone shaped like a duck, it’s Celeron. You make your own bathroom there anyways, but during darty szn, anything goes. Anyone who spends a year there will most likely grow up with fake boobs or fake lips and be married to a construction worker named Roger.
Mike the Situation – Carriage:
The situation-turned-inspiration is having a serious problem with tax evasion, which fits nicely with any Carriage resident. He’s being barricaded by the government just like how Carriage is barricaded by the cops every weekend. Sure he’s “clean” now, but that won’t last much longer in Miami. He quit hard drugs and alcohol, and you get a headache if you don’t rip your mint JUUL pod every other minute. The similarities are uncanny.
Pauly D – The Oaks:
Who would’ve thought that Pauly D of all people would be the multi-millionaire? Since all wealthy Huskies have the name Susan, we’ll just compare Pauly D to The Oaks because it’s nice and expensive. He could be the Huckleberry Spin, the Oprah Spinfrey ready to light up UConn every weekend. He’s looking down on all of his Jersey Shore roommates just like how Oaks residents look down on all of us non-Oaks peasants.
Sorry to leave out Vinny and Deena, but they aren’t interesting enough. Vinny has a huge dick, so we don’t want to scare anyone off, and Deena just cries. We have enough tears in Homer Babbidge to make Mirror Lake 2. If you live in any of the places listed above, we’re not saying UConn hates you, but we’re not saying UConn doesn’t hate you.
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