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6 Potential & Very Realistic Reasons Why Uzi Got Cancelled

You pregamed since noon and spent the last of your money getting high enough to cope with the upper level seats you got stuck with. But then it got cancelled. While SUBOG spins their yarns about what “happened,” here are 6 reasons we think Uzi really cancelled, because we’re all about truth and honesty in the media, motherfuckers.

6.) Got A Parking Ticket and F**cked Right Off:
Parking services has no shame and stops ticketing for no man, not even a self-made twenty-two year old with Alice & Wonderland-themed music videos. When Uzi rolled his Lambo up at Gampel and stepped around back to smoke up before the show, he was devastated to find three orange envelopes attached to his windshield wiper, and got right in his car and headed back to Phili.

5.) Susan Doesn’t Want Us to Have Fun:
Susan Herbst can be a real fun-sucker. She is definitely against having a rapper come to our school because it means we will all be belligerently drunk in Gampel, which doesn’t happen on a regular basis! Sus rolled her Lambo at Gampel next to Uzi’s, gave him this look, or this one, or this one, and Uzi rolled right tf out.  

4.) His Flight Got Delayed or Something:
Idk it’s just what he tweeted, it’s not mf conspiracy. Look:


SUBOG has spent the last thousand years hyping the Uzi concert to the max #whoisnext #whoisnext. It’s the only time anyone really cares about SUBOG (64 RTs on this catastrophe, 1-2 avg RTs on everything else???). If you were in charge of that organization, maybe you’d do something drastic to get people talking about said organization? Maybe like a last minute cancellation of an artist you probably forgot to book in the first place?? HMMMM????

2.) The Goddamn Whitebread CT Writer Sabotaged Him:
Who was that again? Oh yeah, this fuckin’ guy. Sten, your name sounds like the lead character for a Nickelodeon show that got cancelled after the kids in the test screening killed themselves. The guy has opinions, and you’re going to hear about them goddammit, and you can bet your bottom dollar Uzi did and changed his mind about UConn. This was all a ploy. Sten sabotaged Uzi because he wanted some equally Wonderbread band to come instead like Vampire Weekend. JK Sten, you seem cool. Unless you still write for The Tab.

1.) Nickel:
Nickel got Uzi  just like it gets every gd one of us. It’s Thursday night, and Uzi heard how lit things get down at Huskies and just couldn’t resist. Upon entering the threshold of the sacred lair, he broke out into a refrain of “yah yah yah’s” and other imperceptible mumbling noises and threw back three-nickel cups of vodka soda. It sucks that we all lost that hot 20 bucks on floor tickets, but can you honestly blame him for wanting to go hard on a Thursday like the rest of us?

To all of you brave souls who took on this intense weather that grounded Uzi in Atlanta, you’re the real MVP’s. Don’t waste a perfectly good Thursday sulking about it on Facebook and turn up at Nickel while the night’s still young.

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