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5 Better Things to do Than Watch Another UConn MBB Game

Contrary to what just happened last night, they’re still bad. Season tickets sounded like a good idea at the time, but what are you supposed to do with them now? Transfer them into Husky Bucks? Wipe your ass with them? These questions need answers. But if you feel yourself becoming angry about another embarrassing season, here’s 5 things you can do instead of watching them get wrecked on national TV.

5.) Beat the shit out of Laurel Hall’s doors:
You know exactly which doors, those tiny automatic ones that only fit one medium-sized student at a time. If your diet consists of Union mac and cheese and D.P. Dough, don’t even think about it. Find a side door. Get airlifted in from the top. It doesn’t matter, just figure it out — it’s a way better use of your time than staring at Kevin Ollie making this face for like, the entire game:

4.) Start a rally in the Union:
Not just any rally, a rally to get a Chick-Fil-A in the Union. Don’t act like it hasn’t crossed your mind as you’re sitting there alone eating your sweet onion “chicken” teriyaki from Subway. If you wouldn’t risk your life for fried chicken and waffle fries, transfer to Eastern.

3.) Throw yourself off of North Garage:
Nothing to worry about, it’s been done before.

And the fine young man from the original video last month is alive and well. He didn’t actually get punished, just a meeting with some admins and a slap on the wrist. But you’re in luck with the winter season upon us — find a snowbank down below and go for it! Better yet, do it in your car. Technically, you can’t get a parking ticket if you’re soaring through the air/dead! It’s worth a shot if you never have to subject yourself to the ongoing travesty that is UConn basketball. 

2.) Have a campus-wide moped race to the death:
Have you ever seen Death Race? Neither has anyone else, but it’ll be like that. The only catch is that when you crash you must do absolutely nothing about it. Just get up and walk away. Leave your moped at the sight; UCPD will be happy they actually have something to do. Looking at you, Jalen.

1.) Just get super drunk:
There was never any doubt this would be number one, but normal nights at the bar are getting boring. It’s time to see how far you can go. Turn this shit show of a game into a drinking game, taking a shot every time Terry Larrier touches the ball and doesn’t pass it. But most importantly, be creative. It’d be a shame to let all these Gampel games go to complete waste. Be great, Huskies.

As if they didn’t already play in the shadow of the women’s team, MBB has no standards or reputation to live up to. All that matters is that they have fun, right! Let them suffer the consequences of an Ollie ass-whooping, and you worry about finding something better to do with your time.

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