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Where to Park for Free Before UConn Becomes a Parking Lot-less Hellscape

Nothing lives to fuck us over more than parking services. Every time you think, “this is it, they can’t get any worse,” they announce some fuckery like the most recent announcement; X-Lot, L-Lot and Lot 9 (?) will soon cease to exist and will instead become part of the Northwest Science Quad. The fuck’s a science quad? Good thing we don’t already have a parking conundrum on this campus… Never fear! We’ve compiled a list of sure-fire, ticket-free parking zones for the parking hell that is to come.

5.) The “road” between W-Lot and Busby:
Lord knows how long that sorry excuse of a road has been there, but now it’s your newest parking spot! For the longest time there was weird information going around, with some people believing the sign saying that the road was patrolled, while others swore they drove its back roads everyday. Well now is your chance to figure it out because on those mornings when commuter W-lot is filled to the brim, take the sharp turn onto the service road instead and pick somewhere, anywhere to park.

4.) Any of the “great” lawns:
What better way to stick it to Susan than by ruining the perfect grass that she treasures so dearly. Finally put those shitty tailgate-parking skills to use and make those great lawns your bitch. If one lawn can squeeze an entire freshman class’ attempt of filling out the last “N” in UConn, imagine how many cars could fit comfortably. Just be careful of the mud fest that would come every rainy Tuesday.

3.) The Baseball Fields:
Sure it’ll be tricky on days like this when you have to plow through snow to get to the diamond, but who’s the real winner? Not everyone else waiting in an orderly fashion to leave the now even more crammed C-lot, but you who’ll be driving donuts around them just because you have time to kill.

2.) In “Service Vehicle Only” spots:
Admittedly this one may cost you a bit of dough, but really it’s worth it. Service vehicles have reserved spots everywhere for whenever they have to service our needs, but really those spots live a lonely, empty life because as we know, UConn ignores our needs as long as possible. So why not slap a fake UConn sticker on your door, get a UConn license plate, and become your own service vehicle. Just watch for the people who will try to jump in front of your car for free tuition.

1.) The bottom of either two spacious lakes:
This is probably the best area to park if you definitely don’t want to get a ticket. As far as we know parking services does not yet scuba, so your car is safe and sound at the bottom. Not only will your car stay nice and clean, but regardless of which lake you choose, there’s bus line options nearby. Just be careful the lakes don’t freeze over on extra cold days.

The choice is here, the choice is now, and the choice is yours! Now you can start saving up the $600 per year for a parking garage pass, which hopefully promises you a spot – but with this school who knows – or employ some of our parking tactics. Will they get you off ticket free? Probably not. Will it be fun to try? Y’all let us know.

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