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Op-Ed: If You Don’t Grind on Me at Nickel, You Are A Feminazi

Hello and welcome to The Black Sheep’s Ben Shapiro Week! This week we’ll be celebrating all things Ben Shapiro and the things he stands for: being a racist prick just to own the libs. Please enjoy a week of hot takes that make you groan and wish for a meteor to take us all out of this miserable reality we find ourselves in. 

Everyone knows that Saturday’s are already for the boys, but so are Thursdays and Fridays between the hours of 8-9:45, nearly two hours of spending quarter after quarter on girls who act like they’re not drunk enough to want to grab my dick.

You know, I pull up to the bar with a wad of coins in my pocket ready to give my all, but oops my bad it’s “ladies night.” I get it, you girls all make a pact at the pre-cocktail party pregame to avoid men at all costs cuz we’re gross and sweaty and after your booty, and you’re right. So let’s skip the part where we pretend that’s not gonna happen and make my life easier, comprende?

And before you start women’s marching on my ass let me clarify that was not mansplaining. I’m just a man, explaining something that you should already understand.

I know, 2018 has been the year of the women and that’s dope. Equal rights and shit I’m all for it. But just because you guys – sorry, womeguys – want to win this gender wage gap doesn’t mean my dick doesn’t deserve your delicious behind any less. I have wants too you know; wanna fill that booty gap if you know what I mean.

What ever happened to chivalry? Remember those moments you’d walk into a bar and lock eyes with a girl from across the room, and just know she’s the one? You walk up to her with a drink that took a whole 25 cents out of your well earned paycheck, give her your mega-watt smile, and then whip her around to see that you were right, that ass is the one.” *Sigh* Those were the good days; back when I could cop a feel without being Me Too-d.

It’s a shame that with the role model that is our president you ladies still think that getting smacked on the ass is an insult. You’re just taking it the wrong way. I’m touching your butt because I like it. It’s a compliment, silly.

If you need some help understanding that just pick up a copy of Ben Shapiro’s book Porn Generation. The title was longer but it’s probably not important. My guy Ben will be here in a few days so he can explain it better than I could, but what I’m sure he’s trying to say is that porn is good, women are good, and then something about millennials.

So if there’s anything you female warriors should take away from all this knowledge it’s that feminism is cool, sure the Nazis are out and about again, but it’s not cool putting the two together. I like you all just the way you are, let’s not ruin a good thing. *mega-watt smile*

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