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10 Things Everyone Fools Themselves into Believing About UMass

Did you get fooled on April Fool’s Day? Well, there’s a good chance you fool yourself every day with these ten little white lies about UMass. Like that lie you told yourself while picking classes this week; “an 8 a.m. won’t be that bad.” Stop fooling yourself into believing all of this garbage. 

10.) “Pat Kelsey declined the basketball job because of ‘personal reasons.’”

He signed his contract, then he came to campus. Immediately afterwards, he declined the job. His personal reasons were, “why the fuck would I want to move here?”

9.) “Sweet potato fires aren’t that bad for me.”

On the health-o-meter, sweet potato fries are moderately healthy. Don’t be fooled too hard, moderately healthy is equally as moderately unhealthy. Glass half empty type of situation here.

8.) “Research universities allow students to learn from professionals in their fields!”

The closest you can really get is being forced to buy your professor’s textbook.

7.) “UMass is a better academic school than Northeastern and B.C.”

“UMass Rising” is the popular slogan the administration likes to use nowadays. But a rise from the academic level of UNH to a Northeastern is a big climb. We’re still rising, fam. 

6.) “The football program is still adjusting to the D1 competition, they’ll be good before I graduate.”

Unless your intended graduation date is 2035, keep dreamin’. It’s good to be optimistic and all, but you’ve got to realize that the team still hasn’t surpassed the hurtle of winning at least four games in a season. 

5.) “There’s always plently of open equipment at the Rec Center!”

If you can seriously look yourself in a mirror and believe this statement, then by God, you must be George Costanza. For everyone else out there, you’re just a fool. The Rec is mayem, a free for all of everyone trying to pick things up and put them down. 

 4.) “Sam the Minuteman isn’t even that creepy.”

Alright, let’s be real here…he’s always got a goofy-ass smile on and is always trying to high-five people. That’s pretty creepy. And those eyebrows…does he wax them? Definitely, right? 

3.) “The serving sizes at Berk Late Night are really big!”

Waiting in line for 45 minutes can really cause you to build up an appetite. So disappointment is always the first reaction after getting your food. “Wait, I only get four chips in my ‘nacho’ plate?” 

2.) “I won’t eat drunkenly at Antonio’s tonight.”

A salty, cheesy, filling slice…just a short walk away….at a reasonable price too…with quick service…

1.) “The Spoke is the new Monkey Bar.”

For some reason the newly renovated Spoke seems to be getting popular. But, let’s be real: it’s still The Spoke. Small and filled with townies. Don’t be fooled for a second that this place will sustain its popularity in the long run. 

It’s easy to trick yourself into believing all of these things, but once you’ve been around long enough it truly is difficult to convince your friends from BU than Sam really isn’t that creepy.  

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