The first thing many think when they arrive at UMass is, “man, this place could use more glory holes.” In response to the silent, questioning majority, we have compiled a concise list of the very best places this campus could, nay, should install glory holes, for the greater good of the campus community.
5.) Dwight & Mary Lyon Cluster:
Part of Northeast’s charm is the rustic brick dormitories that remind one of the smaller, more exclusive liberal arts campuses that decorate New England. The antiquity of Northeast, with childish scrawl on the doors and windows that barely open and close correctly could be amplified ten fold with the installation of hundreds and hundreds of glory holes throughout each dormitory.
4.) Marston Hall:
Circling the Lederle Grad Tower is the small and nondescript quad containing the UMass Engineering buildings, Knowlton, Marston, and Marcus. These buildings, despite their overall shabbiness and wretch inducing musks, are home to the most stressed out students on campus. Engineering students literally die to make it to their exams, and are known to stay in on Friday nights in order to try and tackle their mountain of work. What better way to reduce the stress of these vital scholars than through the placement of glory holes in every engineering building.
3.) Berkshire Dining Commons:
Berk has the reputation for being the most popular dining hall on campus, with superb Late Night meals, top notch facilities, and a friendly and competent staff. The only way Berk could be any better would be by having small holes between the bathroom stalls where one could get some head. Like, seriously.
2.) Fine Arts Center Steps:
What better place to receive dome than in the plain old outdoors? No place is better, that’s where. Who needs a hole in a wall when you got the full concrete staircase behind the Fine Arts Center to stretch out in? To the devil with privacy, UMass is all about freedom of expression. If we want to give blowjobs in the middle of campus or beside the campus pond for all to see, who’s to tell us we’re wrong?
1.) South College:
The newest building on campus is the South College building, and it cost twenty million dollars to build. Twenty million dollars. That’s not a lot when compared to government budgets, but is a serious sum when you consider how few glory holes there are. What better way to christen the brand new, twenty million dollar building than by drilling a hole in a stall and sticking your dick through that hole in hopes of someone placing their mouth on it? No better way. No better way at all.
If, like us here at The Black Sheep, you have written long harangues to Chancellor Subbaswammy about the lack of glory holes, then look no further. Then, after looking no further, grab that drill your dad gave you “in case of emergencies,” and run to the nearest location named above and put that mouth to work.
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