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5 Ways You Can Tell You’re at an Honors College Party


The Honors College: buncha rich kids riding the chin hair of their parents as they sit in their lofty air-conditioned towers, bitching about the amount of work they have to do. Or is there something more to it? Of course, when one thinks about the Commonwealth Honors College here at UMass, certainly that’s the first image that comes to mind. But how do these hyper-intelligent superbeings party? Let us count the ways.

5.) Someone buys a little weed:
On a typical Friday night, groups of the coolest Honors students are to be found standing beside the ping pong table in the lobby of Oak Hall. One of them then says something like, “Hey I bought a little weed from my cousin in Central, do you guys want to smoke?” the rest of the group will then respond in vague agreement, with one kid mentioning how much work he has next week. Eventually, the plans will fall through, and ping pong playing will continue well into the night with no disruption. Wild.

4.) ‘Cool’ girl down the hall takes a shot:
Days in the Honors College are often spent working and working and working. But the nights! Egads! On Saturdays the place comes alive. That girl down the hall from you in Sycamore will definitely at least one shot, and the RA might notice. 

3.) The hostess invites too many people:
If the quality of the Honors dorms wasn’t thrown in your face enough by their haughty attitudes, then it’s definitely compounded by their constant invitations for you to join them in their suites. The Honors suites are nicer than any college dorm room should ever be. That being said, your hostess will get too overwhelmed with the amount of guests and anxiously kick you and your friends out every weekend. They never learn.

2.) You play an Honors spin on a classic drinking game:
In the privacy of their spacious dorms, Honors students are afforded the luxury of enjoying many guests, with whom they participate in a variety of drinking games. The most played Honors drinking game is “Edward drink the beer hands,” but on rowdy nights they may also attempt a round of “Rubinoff fountain.” That’s when it really gets crazy.

1.) Nothing at all happens:
Honestly, the Honors kids have too much on their plates as it is to be bothered much with parties. They have their one Honors class they need to take, their many other classes to complain about, and to top it off, they need to prepare to write their fancy honors thesis. With a schedule like this, they can hardly be expected to party. Look at all the work they have to do! They’re so smart!

If you didn’t know, now you know; the Honors kids just can’t hang. It’s sad to see so much potential just being wasted away.

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