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5 Flying Objects that Might Have Concussed You at Hobart Last Weekend

Before sub-zero temperatures come screaming into Pioneer Valley in less than two weeks, it’s extremely important for everyone’s personal health to drink under the warmth of the sun. It’s a great way to soak up vitamin D and get a clearer understanding of how ugly most of your classmates actually are. That being said, drinking at Hobart comes with an inherent threat to your physical safety: flying objects. If you’ve ever thrown something at these events, you’ve experienced the rush of truly anonymous crime. It feels pretty good. It feels less good when one of these things breaks your nose.

5.) Traffic cone:
These things lowkey pack heat. They’re also pretty easy to come by. Stock up on these orange beauties by snagging them on the side of North Pleasant St. and you’ll have all the ammunition you need to retaliate against the barrage of empty cans that will inevitably come your way. If you get hit with a traffic cone, try to play it off Toy Story style by putting it on your head and waddling away to seek medical attention. The Hobart crowd always loves that gag.

4.)  Buff Chix wrap from Grab ‘n’ Go:
To throw a Grab ‘n’ Go wrap over a day-drinking crowd is one of the most charitable things anyone could possibly do.  If you miss your target, just retrieve the wrap, and send that shit right back into orbit. When it lands right in someone’s piehole and you make their day, no amount of alcohol can replicate that excitement.

3.)  Smirnoff Ice bottle:
Tossing a glass bottle up in the air is a psycho move for sure, but it’s only excusable if that bottle once contained Smirnoff Ice. As a popular UMass beverage, Smirnoff Ices are so well liked that even if the bottle shatters over the head of an innocent person and ends their life right then and there, it will still draw cheers from your fellow Minutemen and women. If you see one of these bad boys flying around, treat it like the Golden Snitch. Catch it with your mouth and take home the W.

2.)  Someone’s car keys:
Throwing car keys around makes a lot of sense if you think about it. They can eventually fall into the hands of their owner, or someone else gets the rush of testing those keys on all nearby cars. Worst case: car keys slice open an unopened cold one and someone gets sprayed in the face. Best case: You single handily stop intoxicated driving at UMass. Everybody wins.

1.)  A literal rock:
Throwing rocks in really any situation is inadvisable. It’s unoriginal, unremarkable, and hard to celebrate if it hits a cute girl in the face. If you ever find yourself armed with a rock and a strong urge to launch it like a goddamn trebuchet, you should strongly reconsider. That is, unless you are a full-fledged Hobart crusader, taking the entire neighborhood by storm, in which case; a little party never hurt nobody.

This is only a small sampling of the objects that might have collided with your skull at any given day drink. Keep an eye out for more, and don’t forget to add new ones. Get creative!

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