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5 Surefire Ways to Get Yourself Kicked Out of Monkey Bar

UMass students everywhere know that Monkey Bar is the best place for rowdy behavior that could seem a little risque at first but definitely results in a lot of serious injuries later on. For those bloodthirsty fans, here are the five best ways to get kicked out of Monkey Bar, and also possibly become an international criminal.

5.) Breaking plates:
Most restaurants traditionally stock their own silverware, with a wide array of cutlery from spoons to knives. Typical restaurant dinner settings will include glasses, plates, bowls, and mugs. Bring these to Monkey Bar and smash them over the bar stools. The noise, danger and overall lunacy can guarantee you a forced exit from the bar.

4.) Insist the DJ play your mixtape:
Usually, you’d expect this to play out like the guy gets up on stage, and demands the DJ play his terrible rap mixtape. However, this mixtape is an old school one like you would record the songs off your radio and then hand paint the cover for your boyfriend. Switch from the cliches. Instead of playing terrible rap, it’s a lot of sad, awful jams. Like “Today” by the Smashing Pumpkins.

3.) Prod the monkeys with sticks:
If you’ve been to Monkey Bar you’ll know about the live ape exhibit that takes up much of the dance floor. If you haven’t been to Monkey Bar, why are you reading this list? The staff is usually pretty on top of protecting these apes and making sure nobody messes with their shit, but clever rapscallions could definitely earn an escort out off the premises by agitating the monkeys.

2.) Not enter the bar at all:
Probably the best way to get kicked out of a bar is to not enter at all; stand on the sidewalk and bombard the windows with rocks. That way, the bouncer will be confused about where he has jurisdiction, as he cannot escort you off the sidewalk? Right? It seems right.

1.) Drink all the alcohol in the bar:
This last one is a little tricky, but essentially it involves emptying your bank accounts entirely, taking every last cent in cash. Then, get behind the wheel of your car and drive right to Monkey Bar to buy every drop of alcohol. Drink it all right there on the stool. Then, walk your proud ass home because you definitely can’t drive anymore. Legendary.

Monkey Bar is certainly the place to be, and definitely a good place to dance. Have a drink, take a seat, and enjoy the antics of strangers as they try to do enact these stunts.  

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