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5 Things Chancellor Subbaswamy is Spending Our Tuition On


The handles of Green Apple Rubinoff and endless 30-racks of Busch “Lattes” you bought over the course of the year certainly added up, but they weren’t the only things taking your money. With a little bribing and perseverance we were lucky enough to overhear some of Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy’s spending. So, in no particular order we give to you, the bankrupt of UMass, a list of the five things the good chancellor spends our money on.

5.) The King-Sized Waterbed in His Master Bedroom:

Like most of us, Subbaswamy enjoys a nice mid-day siesta when he’s done with his work governing over Massachusetts’ flagship campus. Say what you will about how he runs the school, but the man lives in style. In his master bedroom he and the Mrs. sleep on a king-sized waterbed, which constantly needs to be cleaned and refilled, spiking his monthly water bill to ungodly high amounts.

4.) Dry-Cleaning the Sam the Minuteman Mascot Costume: 

This one we can’t fault the chancellor for. Apparently, no department wants to claim ownership of the actual costume due to the high maintenance and Sam’s “lingering smell of vomit.” Being the great humanitarian he is, Subbaswamy takes it upon himself to drive the costume to Minuteman Dry Cleaning on Pray Street every week.

3.) Antonio’s Catering Every Friday Night:

Friday’s are pizza and movie night at the Subbaswamy household, and all members of the family are always invited. There’s only one kind of slice that Subbaswamy would put in his mouth, and that slice is Antonio’s. It’s reported that the family’s favorite pie is the Meat Lover’s. Do you know how much a Meat Lover’s costs? $13.35 per pizza. That’s the textbook definition of living luxuriously.

2.) Premium Television Channels and Streaming Services:

The Subs loves Olive Kitteridge and Game of Thrones, and he practically invented the term “Netflix and chill.” What, did you expect Subbaswamy to watch? Basic cable? While governing over a university may be a full time job, when Fuller House comes a-knocking, ‘Swamy always answers.

1.) His Online Shopping Addiction: 

We’ve all fallen into the trap of great deals and killer clearance sections when shopping online. Plus, the opening of the Amazon store on campus and the ensuing student discount for Amazon Prime certainly does little to help our ever-shrinking bank accounts. Apparently the chancellor is no exception. To look as fresh and clean cut as he does, Subbaswamy is constantly buying new clothes for his wardrobe. The man never wears the same suit more than once, as he is clearly a fashionista.

College is hard, and handing over thousands of dollars to “the man” every month is even harder. At least now you know that your money is going to a good cause; pizza for the family and very expensive cufflinks from Amazon. 

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